I officially started back on the pre-op diet yesterday, and not a moment to soon. An apprehensive visit to the bathroom scale this morning brought the unwelcome news of a gain of five pounds since last Wednesday. This proves my theory that I was born without any metabolism what so ever. I have what I call Reverse Metabolosis. I believe that I have a rare disease that takes every bite of food I eat and multiples the caloric and fat content five fold. 100 calorie snack pack for you, 500 belt busting calories for me. 90 calorie beer for you, 450 ass widening calories for me. In fact, severe cases like mine have been known to gain weight by just driving past a McDonald's. It's true. I can feel the seat belt tighten in real time. It gets really bad when I have to drive past one of those fast food rows where all the fatty franchises are located. Sometimes the belt gets so tight I almost pass out. There needs to be more research on this affliction. But I'm convinced it will take a fat ass scientist to figure it out. A bean thin poindexter type would never understand.
It doesn't seem to matter if I try to eat right, I still end up piling on more layers on fat. I really tried to listen to the prevailing theories on healthy food choices. Eat a lot of fruit. I did. Gained weight. Eat a lot of nuts. I did. Enough to feed a park full of squirrels for a winter. Gained weight. Same goes for whole grains, brown flour, leafy greens, vegetables, fish .... the list goes on. The best I could ever do eating what they call healthy, is remain at the status quo. There's no real answer for a guy with Reverse Metabolosis. That's how I ended up here.
As I reported previously, I was able to chuck some tonnage off with this pre-op diet. That consists of a powdered shake for breakfast, a few paltry carrot pieces at 10:30, powdered cheese & broccoli soup at noon, a protein bar at 3, a sugar free popsicle at 5:30 then dinner. Dinner consists of 3.5 ozs. of protein, 1/3 cup starch & 1/2 cup of vegtables. Finally, the treat of the day. A Weight Watchers fudge bar around 8 pm. Sadly, the fudge bar is now the highlight of my day. Gone are the days of steaks off a sizzling grill, baked potatoes, and hearty side dishes. Well, theoretically, I could grill my 3.5 oz. filet. But it will probably fall through the cracks.
The above menu is really limited. But it will seem like a feast compared to the post-op restrictions. I received a letter from the surgical center that reiterates the diet I must follow when I get back from the lap band surgery, just 12 days from now. Because of the normal swelling in the stomach caused by the surgical trauma, I'm looking at clear liquids only for a couple of weeks then on to the "smashie" foods. This is the name given by the nutritionists to human food ground up in a blender then spoon fed to the Bandster. It's even suggested to try a jar of baby food. I'll look for the jar with the fat ass guy's face on it instead of that cute baby from the 1950s.
The clock is ticking down to a new chapter in the Life of Johnny. For sure I'm freaking about the surgery and dreading the post-op recovery diet plan. Geez, who wouldn't? I could not honestly tell you this is a good idea right now or even if this is the right solution for me. I don't think I will be able to give you a fair opinion of this whole life changing event for a least a year. So keep reading and we'll find out together.
Johnny
P.S. Thanks to all who attended for a great Last Supper! It was a truly wonderful evening with lotsa laughs for sure. I had intended to blog about it today, but my memory of the evening is quite murky. I believe I was over served! I should have taken a picture of that steak. Darn....
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