Clothes Woes

Welcome back! It's time for more girthy grins from your formerly portly preacher. So let's get right into it and see what's happening in the world of Johnny.

Frankly, I'm dealing with another debacle.

Last week, I finally got around to finally moving my old suits into storage. Did I say finally? I have been slowly paring my old wardrobe from my closet.  It has not been easy. It's not the actual moving of clothes that's hard, it's the sorting of the clothes that's the killer. What to throw away and what to keep. It's a mess of epic proportions. After all, I am dealing with about 5 levels of clothing.

To clear it up for our new readers, a "level" of clothes is / was the particular items I had that fit me in various stages of rotundness. At my worst, I was busting out of my Level 3 wardrobe. That consisted of several pairs of slacks and a couple of over sized shirts. God forbid if I ever had to invoke Level 4 emergency protocols! That was just a moo moo and a pair of furry bunny slippers. The world was not ready for that.

As I have lost weight, I have moved rapidly through Level 2 (comfortable fitting FAT wardrobe), Level 1 (loose fitting fat wardrobe and some trousers and shirts from an old closet, circa 1995), a new transitional Level A wardrobe (some new clothes and a myriad of FAT clothes that were taken in), Level B wardrobe which consists of all new transitional clothes and some old shirts that have been severely altered.

Needless to say the the move downward through the levels requires me to set up shop in my closet and endlessly try on pants and shirts. Discarding the "absolutely don't fits", keeping the" fits OKs" and waffling on the "in-betweeners". Because this chore is not related to work, sports or sex, paying attention for any length of time is quite cumbersome. So after about an hour, I got bored and just keep the items I hadn't gotten to yet. This caused a little bit of a logjam. But I FINALLY got it done.

After last weeks wardrobe purge, my closet looks pretty empty. Now I have discovered I have only a handful of pants that fit, a few jeans and three Jos. A Banks Sunday go-to-meetin' outfits. I'm in trouble here! I may have to invoke reverse Level C emergency protocols, if I don't get some new trousers in a hurry! I have taken the new pants I bought back in November to Giovanni the "crack tailor" to get taken in. I call him the "crack tailor" because it seems like I am there every week with a fistful of cash to get my fix.  I hope these pantalones hold me for another month or so. I really don't want to buy new slacks because I am right on the edge of another downward move in the waist size. Giovanni hopes I continue the tailoring route. I also learned that even if your tailor tells you he can take 9 inches out of your waist, that doesn't mean  the pants are going to look right.  I may have started a new fashion trend ... 3 belt loops in the back about an inch apart from each other. We'll see if it catches on.

Truth be told, I made a few wardrobe mistakes along the way. First, I got way too many slacks, suits and sport coats altered after the first 30 pounds or so. My body was changing so fast that I never even had a chance to wear most of the items. Secondly, I took about 20 shirts in and had those taken in as well. Giovanni can take in the sides, but he can't redo the neck. So I ended up with a bunch of dress shirts with big necks. And the sport coats? He took in the sides, but he couldn't move the shoulders.  So I ended up looking like a character from Miami Vice. Big wide collars and shoulder pads. I had to say good bye.

I am just ranting about this because it's aggravating and time consuming. But we have to put this in the "good problem to have" column. Yup. It sure beats going the other way. I suppose it's rewarding to see the new clothes I bought in the fall hanging off me already. With another 25 pounds to go, I'm certain I'll being doing at least a couple more wardrobe purges. Only this time it won't be fancy custom suits made by my former haberdasher.  You know him? Omar the Tent Maker. If you go see him, tell him Johnny sent you. And also tell him I am no longer in need of his services.

SOOOO LOOONG FOR NOW!

JT

Fat Fanatics!  Email your comments and questions to:

mccgolfer99@gmail.com

I will answer all questions and, who knows, your pithy comments might make the blog!

A Goal in Sight

Trump Cup Flight Winners!

Hey there ...

Quick update on a few things.

I got on my fancy FitBit scale this morning.  I have officially lost the alcohol induced weight gain from my Florida trip plus a little bit more. As a matter of fact, my integrated FitBit app tells me I have 14.7 more pounds to lose to hit my goal of 169.

A couple thoughts on that 169. First, I must tell you that the weight is falling off at glacial speed. Which means very, very slow.  I am still really trying to stick to the plan that has brought me this far, but the results are far more frustrating than when I started this adventure. Sure, I get it. More ass, more weight loss. Less ass, less weight loss. Statistically speaking, a half pound loss of smaller ass is the percentage equal of a full pound loss of fat ass.  So I got that going for me. But I am not doing this to amuse some pudgy mathematician. I really don't give a rat's patooty about a percentage loss.  I'm in the game for poundage!

The excitement of hitting the home stretch to 169 has been tempered down quite a bit since Dr. X gave me the news back in December that he wants me to go for 150. If you remember, he also told me that we have another year and half to go. New goal date is May 15, 2015. Yes, this kind of took the wind out of my sails. I think I mentally took a breather and took my eye off the ball a bit.  Maybe that's why I have been hovering here at the 183ish level for a month or so. I need to get re-motivated.

First off, my travel schedule is definitely counterproductive to to maintaining a strict diet plan. Yes, I do really well choosing my food options. I choose healthy foods and reasonable portions. However, these healthy choices are the choices that people make when they are trying to maintain their weight.  Not the more restricted menu a weight cutter should be making.  It's not that easy when you're dining out for every meal for a week straight.  And then there is Al C Hall. There is no way that  more than several adult beverages a day is good for weight loss.  I know it  and you know it. But while I am on a precious vacation, I have to imbibe. Ya know, just to be polite. This is why I settle for maintaining my weight while I'm jet-setting.

So here I am. I'm under 15 pounds from my original goal. Working through a hectic travel schedule and trying to maintain my weight. That's not the plan. My plan was to be 169 by May 15, 2014, and I am gonna stick with that plan. That means I'm going to have to change a few things.

Honestly, I really need to get more active.  It's super hard to get motivated when you're ball deep in snow. Yeah, I'm using the treadmill a bit. And I hit the weights occasionally. But it's not enough and I know it. I enjoy walking on a beautiful summer day during a rousing round of golf. Working the treadmill and staring at the wall, not so much. Maybe I'll try the Shred that Lap Band Girl is always touting?  She is my muse. She is always reminding me of what it takes to get to your goal and maintain it.  Suffice to say, sitting on my backside is not in the equation.

That's it for now. Same goal - 169.  Same goal date May, 2014. Same plan? I'm going to have to think on this one. More activity is definitely on the schedule. And maybe I'll cut off one of my now thinner legs.

Buh Bye

JT

Fat Fanatics!  Email your comments and questions to:

mccgolfer99@gmail.com

I will answer all questions and, who knows, your pithy comments might make the blog!

A Big Dog and a Sixth Grade Boy

Hello world. I'm back again with another update. I hope this post's title didn't confuse you.  I promise it will make perfect sense by the end of this enthralling read. So you're just gonna have to wait a bit. And of course, read today's entire rant.

First... Next week will be one year since I wrote my first
blog entry. Today's column will be my 54th attempt at keeping you updated on my weight loss journey.  That's about once a week.  I hope it's enough for you. I know it is for me! In the past year, we have had over 18,000 people view the different pages of my moronic musings. It still amazes me that so many people, from all parts of the globe, want to spend a small part of their day keeping up on my fat fight. Obviously, the majority of my readers come from the U.S. But the top five other foreign readers are from, in order, Latvia, France, Russia and Canada. Yup! My second most loyal followers are from Latvia.  The Latvians just can't seem to get enough. Maybe I have the "kevorka" like Kramer on Seinfeld. However, I will not be bathing in garlic to break the spell.

Now the big news of week.  I had my monthly check up with Dr. X and staff at the Center for Fat-ass-i-ness last week.  The news was once again, very good! I lost another 5.5 pounds since late December.  That means I have officially eclipsed the 70 pound loss mark! Yippee! Think about that. Seventy pounds. That's a whole lotta ass and blubber.

I'll bet you didn't know that the following menagerie of items weighs about 70 pounds:
-187 bananas. A full years supply for a large silverback gorilla.
- An average sheet of drywall. That's about 8 foot tall and 5 feet wide. Yup, the size of my old ass.
- $34,019 U.S. dollar bills. Stuff 100 bills in each of your pockets. Now times that by 17 in each. Whew.
- 100 cans of beer. That's 8-1/2 cases of tin and liquid. Think about drinking a twelever in a night out.
- A bag of concrete.
-12-1/2 red bricks.
- 300 apples, 7 large bags of flour and 300 sticks of butter EACH weigh 70 pounds. Sounds like pie ingredients for a small village.
- 5 high performance bicycles.  I got nothing here. I have't ridden a pedal bike since 1975.
- 37,500 plain M&Ms. This is disturbing. These chocolaty delights were a go-to for the former me. I betcha I fired down a couple thousand at least once during a food bender.
- 5  extra large hams. Who here hasn't eaten a whole ham? C'mon don't lie.
- Some reports have the semi-famous Nicole Ritchie checking in at 70 pounds these days.

PLEASE! Get a cheeseburger!

Of course, I'd be remiss if we didn't check back with the family. If you recall, at 50 pounds our average boy was 7 years old and had a medium sized terrier. At 70 pounds, our boy is now 11 and the family canine is now an average Alaskan Husky. My ass is shrinking but the family continues to grow.

It's been almost 11 months since I started this quest.  It has taken a lot of focus and so far the rewards are uplifting. Seventy pounds is a LOT of weight. Hard to believe I have pooped out the equivalent of a 6th grader or a sled dog. Not to mention an aging minor celebrity.

Catch up soon!
JT

Fat Fanatics!  Email your comments and questions to:

mccgolfer99@gmail.com

I will answer all questions and, who knows, your pithy comments might make the blog!

Fighting FAT While Flying

Whew! I just got back from my third road trip in the past few weeks.  I know I haven't been keeping you in the loop. I've been busy! I told you I was going to be gallivanting around the country. So I hope you'll forgive my tardiness. I have certainly felt the wrath of some of our more ardent followers. Believe it or not, there are few fatty fans out there who just can't live without this blathering blog.  One or two are even a bit stalk-ish.

(Note to FeelingFatInFinland: Yes, I got your e-mail. No, I won't send you a photo of my bare ass with all the stretch marks connected in red marker. I can't reach that far. Besides, if you really need to see something like that, a detailed road map of Cincinnati would probably do the trick.)

(Note 2 to BiggunIn Boston: The answers to your questions in order are:  Yes, No, Three at a time, On my head, NEVER!, Boomerang, Oink oink baby and jelly.)

That takes care of this weeks fan mail. I will share more in the future.

OK, now to the news. As previously stated I have been on three roads trips in the last 3 weeks. Staying on my self prescribed 1200 calorie a day plan was difficult. Logging my food choices was not an option.  Eating the right foods all the time was a struggle. Staying away from alcohol was impossible. The bad news is I gained about a pound and a half.  But I think I 'll be able to dump that by Friday after a week of detoxing.

I'm not upset. I'm right where I expected to be. I mean really.  I spent a few nights in the foodie paradise of New Orleans and then 5 nights partying at a golf tourney in Palm Beach. Honestly, I feel pretty much unscathed.  I really did watch my food intake. I ate every meal out. So I tried to eat the right fruits and fishes where possible. I watched my portions.  Other than a small binge on plain M&Ms that were mistakenly sent to my room, I avoided all sweets. Pretty much a home run.

Unfortunately,  Johnny likes his booze. All flavors as a matter of fact. We all know that booze is a secret diet killer.  The more you drink, the thinner you think.  The thinner you think, the more you eat.  It's a vicious circle. Clearly, Mr. Booze (or AL C. Hall as we know him) are the enemies of restraint. And I succumbed repeatedly to their liquor-i-ous offerings. Martinis, Cabernet's and Merlot. Greyhounds, Screwdrivers, Bloody Mari's and a frosty margarita.  As a salute to the Olympics, I even sprinkled a few White Russians in for good measure. A regular cornucopia of adult beverages.

Hell, I get it! It's back on the ol' wagon for me today.  I'm tracking my food, I'm off the sauce and I might even try to get in a workout or two. I'm leaving for the Valley of the Sun in 3 weeks and 4 days. I'm planning on being under 180 when I get on that plane. SO let's do this. Phase 2 of the Deconstruction of Johnny has begun! I have about 28 more pounds to lose by May 2015 according to Dr. X. I might as well start now.

BTW... I saw Dr. X before I left for Florida.  I'll update you on that next time.

Soooo long for now.

Johnny

FAT FANS! Send your questions and comments to:

mccgolfer99@gmail.com

I will answer any questions and read all comments. Who knows, you might even make the blog!