And down goes Johnny!

May 29, 2013 (Smashie Wednesday)

The saying goes that there has only ever been one perfect person and he died on a cross. Or something like that. Despite what you may have heard, or what you may perceive, I am certainly not perfect. Yes... get over your shock and dismay. Perfectly fat maybe. But in no other way am I flawless. These shortcomings makes me vulnerable to temptations.  And when Johnny goes down, he goes down hard.

You can read between the lines and guess that I have had my first run in with the devil since surgery.

FINAL SCORE:

Devil -6,    Johnny -4.

Yep, as hard as I tried, I got caught up in a moment and succumbed to a few old nasty habits. Liquid diet, no drinking, no golfing, no Fritos... Hell, something had to give!  Let me set the scene for you. I'm up early on a rainy Memorial day.  Because I got up at the crack of dawn, I decided to go back to bed and read a book after downing my morning protein shake. The weather was ominous at best so it was looking like it might be a hang around the house day.Then my nearby phone rings. It's a pal from the club.

"You wanna go to the Hawks game tonight?" he stoically asks.

"Dude, the game is in Detroit.  I'm not driving 6 hours one way, watch the Hawks possibly lose and then drive 6 hours back in the middle of the night. Sorry, not my idea of a good time."

"We're flying." he says.

"Bro, I'm just not for fighting the crowds at the airport. It will be a mess." I say back.

Then he adds.

"Oh yeah, Jimmy says he'll fly us on his jet."

Now the question.  What would Johnny do? All the hard work so far, over 6 hard weeks of restrictive diets and no boozing or partying. Surly our hero won't let us down?

"I'M IN!"
There's your answer. Lap Band or not, I wasn't missing this.

My affirmative declaration set the stage for the first set of hurdles that I would face in the new Johnny era. I knew when I said yes to this impromptu adventure that I would be looking my old, undisciplined self square in the kisser. I knew all the "bad" things would be tempting the new me. After all, this is MANtopia! Jets, drinking, eating and sports. We are all too old and too married to included "babes". Other than that, it's just like a high school road trip.

It didn't take long for vice number 1 to show up.  Remember my old friend Al C. Hall? (That's alcohol for you new readers). We had just taken our seats on the plane when the beers started getting passed out to all the boys.  I was tempted. But carbonated drinks and alcohol are on the "no fly" list for me. Plus,  I didn't want to spew said beverage and my morning shake all over this guy's jet. I'm pretty sure that would get me univited next time. So I passed and took a bottled water.  Johnny 1, Devil 0! Good start.

Then came the snacks. Of course, one of my fellow passengers brought a plethora of salty treats that included a big bag of Fritos. Several of my "friends" follow this blog and thought the Fritos would be a fun way to torture me for the hour long flight. I had not eaten anything since the 7 am shake. It's now 1 pm and my stomach was growlin' for sure. But I did not indulge.  Johnny 2, Devil 0. So far, this has been easy. But stay tuned.

We landed in the Motor City and loaded in to a van. About a half hour later, we were deposited at a popular sports bar across from Tiger stadium while a game was in progress. Our crew pushed it's way through the crowd and bellied up to the bar. It was about 2:30 now.  I knew we had a dinner reservation at 5 very close by which gave us plenty of time to lube up. Then I was asked, "whatta ya have." I capitulated and ordered a Goose and soda. With a lime of course. Johnny 2, Devil 1. The first drink went down without issue so I just went with the flow. By the time we left, my opponent had surged into the lead. At 4:45 it was now Devil 3, Johnny 2. And there was still a lot of time left on the clock.

On we went to a famous Greek town restaurant where we continued the lubrication process.  Before dinner even started the Devil increased his lead with a quick stop at the bar. I could see a downward spiral quickly developing.  It was clear to me at this point that I was going to lose the game.  My goal now was just to keep the score down.

It was now 5:30ish and all I had consumed for the day was a protein shake and a handful of vodkas. When we finally sat down, I immediately grabbed some crust off the warm bread and popped it in the ol' cake hole.  I chew, chew, chewed and it went down without an issue soaking up the excess alcohol on the way down. I finished off dinner with a bit of sauteed squid, a Greek salad and some "smashie" sea bass.  I look at it as a tie.  Besides that bread crust, I made good choices and didn't over do it. We left for the game with the score Devil 5, Johnny 3.

It was my turn to buy, so I had one more at the the game. I was starting to get a little nauseous and burby, so I figured I better not press my luck.  So I sent my old friend Al C. Hall on his way. After a great Hawks victory and despite several pleas from my fellow passengers for a McDonald's stop, I made it back to the plane without incident. Almost home. On the flight back I refused a glass of great Cabernet but did give in to a non recommended energy bar.  But that was it.  We landed and said our goodbyes and I headed home.

Final score: Devil 6, Johnny 4.
A loss is a loss. I get it. But it certainly could have got much uglier.  I think I did all right for my first misstep. Hopefully, I can keep that pesky Devil at bay. I've been warned that he may try and disguise himself in a Fritos costume next time.

So long for now!  Check back soon!

Johnny T

NOTE: As always, pardon the grammar and misspells.  I am self-editing which is not my strong point.

Post-op Malaise

Friday, May 24 2012



 Here I sit ten days post-op on the brink of the first holiday weekend of summer. Great weather, golf, bar-b-ques, cold beer and warm conversation are on the menu for most Americans. But not for Johnny. No golfing, no beer and, unless I can figure a way to bar-b-que a protein shake or a Popsicle, I wont be doing any of that either. I never got the memo regarding the fun factor of Lap Band stage one post-op. And I can see why. There is none.



 I don't want to sound whinny, but it might come out that way. It may because I am actually starting to feel better now that I'm a week and half past the surgery. The only remaining pain I have is the area on my abdomen where the access port was sewn directly on to some fleshy part of my innards. But that pain subsides a bit every day.  In a couple of weeks, I won't even know it's there. On top of that, I feel as if I would be able eat some type of regular "people food".  I have been on a liquid diet since the 14th.  Since that time, the only solid food to find it's way through my band has been a couple of mini Altoids, a sugarless Lifesaver, a half of a cashew and a handful of oyster crackers. At one point I actually sucked the salt off a potato chip just to taste something normal. This is ... by far ... the longest I have ever gone without eating. My old record was 3 hours. When I get to 14 days of liquids next Wednesday, it will be a Johnny World Record.  Shall I alert the media?

We've discussed my lapses in focus before. It's becoming more apparent to me now that I did do a lot of very harmful "boredom munching" in the past.  This was discussed in my sessions with Mind Dr. L.  I remember her asking me the  "why do you eat" question.  I think I looked at her like she had a green head at the time.  But now I guess I have to come clean. She was right.  If I get bored, I eat. And not rabbit food.  I could slaughter a hefty bag of Fritos in 30 minutes tops.  Funny that I mention Fritos here.  Fritos was never one of my go-to snacks.  In fact, I don't think I've crunched a Frito in several years. Yet strangely enough, after ten days of liquids, the one thing I've been hankering for is a Frito.  Kinda the fat ass guy version of pregnancy cravings. Is pickles & ice cream next?

That's the update for now.  I am recovering as expected and expect to be swinging a golf club next week. Also the next big change comes Wednesday .... smashie foods! I'll have to inquire with the bubbly Ms. K if it's OK for me to frappe some Fritos in some type of cheese sauce.

Check back next week! Until then, have a BBQ hamburger and cold beer on me.

JT

NOTE: As always, pardon the grammar and misspells.  I am self-editing which is not my strong point.

Am I still here?

May 19, 2013

Greetings and salutations be upon you my most loyal followers. It's been almost 5 days to the minute since I awakened from the fog of surgery. I beg your forgiveness on this tardy post, but it seems that enough clarity has finally returned to my cluttered gray matter to make some sense. So without further adieu, let me get you up to speed.

The surgery went off without a hitch.  We checked in at 5:45 AM, did all the required paperwork, got 2 wristbands with my name, doctor's name and other pertinent information printed on each.  I was glad to see the extra precautions taken.  I surely didn't want to go in for a Lap Band and come out with breast implants. It's good to do the annoying paperwork and answer the same questions 10 times to 5 different people.  Yep. Can't be to cautious.

After a brief stint in the waiting area, I was guided into the pre-op room where I was instructed to disrobe, put on the ubiquitous hospital gown and get comfortable on the bed. I was told to not tie the robe in back. I knew this meant that a public viewing of my fat ass and other nether areas was imminent.  I was hoping I wouldn't hear any laughing during my surgical sleep. Could you imagine? Being totally zoned out and hearing some scrub nurse say "Wow.  He certainly has a wide load for a little guy".  Ughh.

Now enters Dr. F, my anestegioslogst  anitestgeolist, my gassing dude. He was a young, very pleasant Asian of the Kung Pao variety. He slowly explained the looming procedure. I, of course, quizzed him on his gassing qualifications and his activities of the last evening. I think he was a bit perplexed by the questions.  He's lucky I didn't have a breath-a-lyzer because I would've used it. You just can't have your gassing dude show up with a Jose Cuervo hangover trying to remember where he parked his car last night. He's the key player here. There's no "oops" allowed. So only after he passed my rudimentary inquisition, was he allowed on the team. I was satisfied and he left the room and promised to return shortly to get the show on the road. Now we just had to wait for Dr. X to make his grand entrance.

Then word came that the good doctor was running late. WTF!  I'm laying here in pre-la la land reevaluating this whole idea and pretty much shittin pickles and this guy cant make it to the church on time? Maybe it's a sign.  I looked at that IV and wondered how much it would hurt if I pulled it out.  I could then put on the expando sweat pants I came in and make way for the back door. But as my mind was plotting my escape, the affable Dr. X entered my little pre-op room. He apologized profusely, saying his tardiness was caused by an auto accident with a fatality.  I instantly forgave him. After all, who would make up the fatality part? I asked him a few questions to make sure he was sober and alert and we were ready to go. Dr. Kung Pao reenters and tells me he's going to put something in my IV to calm me down. Wife L planted a good luck smooch and left the area.  They came and started wheeling me out of the room.  I think I was talking some type of smack when the lights went out. That's all I remember.

I woke up in recovery in what seemed like two minutes only to find that about three hours had passed. After I collected my senses, I got antsy and wanted to go home. After a few cursory exams by the nurses and a required urination witnessed by an Indian dude, I was wheeled to the awaiting vehicle that would take me home for my recuperation. I was sore, but amazingly got my self into the SUV and off we went. So far, so good. Little pain, no nausea. That would change.

I was warned by the nurse that once the anesthesia wore off, I would start to feel the pain in the area of where the Lap Band port was sewed to my abdomen.  Dr. X also warned me of this. And they were right. The next 3 days were filled with unsatisfying sleep, bouts of nausea and little ability to keep my hydration up which was my top post-op priority. I tried to fight the discomfort with the liquid Vicodin supplement Dr. X prescribed.  It was mildly helpful at best.  I don't think that stuff could get a fly high. I'm a heavy dude from the 70's.... I could've  handled something a little stronger.  I could have killed the pain and went on a little trip all at the same time. But no such luck.  I actually abandoned the script and went to Tylenol after two days.  Starting today, Tylenol only for bed as it is still sore when I toss and turn at night.

Yesterday, around mid-morning, my appetite came back a little.  I was feeling 100% better than Friday.  I immediately whipped up a chocolate protein smoothie and tried to get some nourishment in to my body. I had a real hard time even getting water down the last couple days. Any nourishment was pretty much non existent. I slurped up the smoothie and began to feel better. Later, I was able to down a nice, warm protein powder chicken soup. Not exactly "Hmm, Hmm Good!" but nourishment nonetheless. There is a plan here that needs to be followed.  To much weight loss too fast is not good. So once I started getting the protein down, I knew I was on the road to recovery.  Getting this far is definite progress.

Tomorrow it's back to work.  It reminds me of that pithy quote we saw everywhere a few decades ago. "Today is the first day of the rest of your life." I always thought that was pretty stupid. Who knew that near 40 years later it would have a direct relevance to my life. Indeed, tomorrow starts the rest of my NEW life. I promise not to start it with a bag of Fritos.

Let's catch up later this week.

JT

P.S. Thanks to ALL for calling, emailing and texting. I am truly awed by your interest and concern. It makes everything easier. .

NEW: Fancy Weight Tracker!
I'm down 24 lbs. since I started the 1st pre-op diet.  61 to go.

NOTE: As always, pardon the grammar and misspells.  I am self-editing which is not my strong point

What's Your Goal ?

May 13, 2013

As we approach Johnny's Day of Reckoning, we are also approaching 3000 page views on the blog from fit, fine, flabby and fat asses worldwide! Outside of our loyal U.S. viewers, I seem to big in Germany, Russia and the U.K.  Go figure.  I think it's because the universal language of fat ass resonates with people of all races, religions and national origins all across the globe. Or it could just be my affinity for vodka that draws us together.  Whatever, we are doing a great job of getting the Johnny word out.  However, we are not doing a good job of getting followers to the blog. So, when you get your fill today, go to the right side of the page and become a follower. It will encourage me to blog on into the future.  After all, we need to see where all this hoopla leads.

The encouragement I am getting from friends and family is truly overwhelming. It is truly appreciated and is absolutely helping me to keep my eyes on the prize.  The "prize." What exactly is the prize? It's the goal, of course! The one question that I seemed to get asked 100 times a day is "what's your goal?". I have to admit that this is an excellent question.  I have struggled to answer many of you because, truth be told, I am really not sure of my final goal.  I think everyone wants to hear a number like "I wanna weigh x pounds" or "I wanna lose x pounds".  Yeah, each of those may be A goal.  But if I look at the grand scenario (big picture), I think my goals are many.  For the first time, I shall try and focus and list them for you.  Hmmmm, let's see .... Ok here goes. These may not be in the exact order of completion but are important none-the-less.

1) Do not die in surgery.  This is my first and most important goal. If I fail to make it out of surgery, you will be deprived of all my future insane rantings and Rajeeve and company will still get paid. Bummer all the way around.

2) Make it through the next 4weeks of complete food restriction. First 2 weeks, liquids only, second 2 weeks "smashie" foods.  I should be ready to eat a house by the end of this period.  I suggest keeping all pets and small children clear of me. 

3A) Fit comfortably back into my underwear. Waistband rollover and crack creeping are no laughing matter.
3B) Fit comfortably back in to my Level 1 wardrobe. Currently my pants have something in common with a cheap motel.  No ballroom. Not a fun way to go through a day at the office.

4) Heal up well enough to play golf and get active.

5) Reinvent my eating habits.  I was warned by the bubbly Ms. K not to try ANY food before I have consumed it at home in the presence of a nearby commode.  Different foods affect all Bandsters differently.  I can't risk spewing my mac and cheese on a client or my boss.  I can't see that being a good career move.

6) Get a Go-To eating list. I need to have list of food and drink that I will for sure feel comfortable eating any time, anywhere. Once I have this licked, I can start to live a normal life again.

7) Get more active. During this process, I learned that all my of thin friends are experts on dieting and exercise.  Yep. All of them.  Everyone, and I mean everyone, has a diet tip or exercise plan that they think will work for me. I have been told to do everything from eating some weird seeds to running 5 miles a day to riding a bike across a farm state.  C'mon people! I can't go from ZERO to a gold medal performance in a week and a half.  I need to find an activity that works for me on my timeline.  Enter Trainer L.  She has given me some sound direction.  I think I will read it now.

8) Develop a sound diet plan.  Once I know what I can stomach food wise and what my exercise tolerance is, I will need to solid diet plan to stick to until March 1, 2014. There, that's a goal.  Be it a calorie watch, a carb count or a weight watcher, I want to stick to it until spring of 2014.  At that time, we'll see where we are at and evaluate our next move. The bubbly Ms. K will be guiding me along in this process, so I am not alone.

9) Make the Vegas trip with some type of golf swing.  I will make the annual trip with the wrecking crew in October for our yearly golf tournament.  I plan on being able to eat and drink like a normal person.  Relax, this doesn't mean party my ass off.  It means not fretting about hurling every time I press something past my lips. If I do OK on this trip I can consider ramping up my travel schedule again. There are people and places yet to be discovered.

10) The number. Let's talk about "the number". I looked at one of those height and weight charts insurance companies use.  For my height and body build it suggests I should weigh in the 120s. Ha ha.  Becoming a jockey and riding in next year's Derby is NOT a goal.  When I got back from college, I briefly visited the 160s after a strict diet in my early twenties.  I think that's a good place to start.  Let's go with 169.  There... you have it! 169 or bust.


Ladies and gentlemen.  In three days, the "Road to 169" begins. There is no time table or road map to get there. It's going to have to take a lot of self discovery and self control to get there.  Two things that I have not excelled at in the past.  But, having a surgical team install an anti-eating device in my blubbery body is a sure sign of my commitment. Keep the encouragement coming. It always helps.  And if you see my car parked in a Steak-N-Shake drive through, please report it to the authorities immediately.

Post surgery discomfort aside, I will try and get back to you by week's end and let you know how it went.  Fingers crossed!

See you on the other side!
jt

P.S.  I did make sure Tuesdays are not Dr. X's card night out with the boys.   He assured me he won't be nursing a hangover when he starts the drilling. So I got that going for me... which is good.

Like Sands in the Hour Glass ....

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Seven days from tomorrow, at 6:15 am, I will arrive at the hospital for the procedure. I don't mind telling you that it has been a bit tough sleeping as of late. I am constantly re validating my choice to take this GIANT step. I am just as nervous as I am excited to get past this and on to my new food restricted life. I am not a brave person by nature.  Just the thought of some strange man poking holes in my stomach and shoving an Ipod Nano looking contraption in there gives me the hee-bee gee-bees. Not to mention the anestestiologist , annasteggiolsit, uh... the gassing dude. Some guy, or gal, who I have never met before is going to come and introduce thimself to me five minutes before we start. Then he will administer the knock out concoction that will send me to la-la land. What if it turns out to be some guy I gave a wedgie to in grammar school? They say payback is a bitch. Or, perish the thought, Rajeeve's cousin! I'll really be in for it then.

I had the pre-op appointment with the smarmy Dr. X on Monday.  He was surely a pleasant fellow and did his best to allay all my fears and explain the procedure and the recovery.  If you're imagining a tall, dark and handsome Dr. Kildare type, think again. Dr. X is tall and lanky alright.  I'd say mid 40ish. He's also a little bit light in the hair department. He is definitely no candidate for dreadlocks should he decide to go off and find himself. I detected a NY accent and quickly determined he hails from Long Island.  But he's been here so long, he swears he's a Bears fan. I sure hope so.  It could be just my luck to end up with a pissed off wedgie victim and a NY Giants fan.  He's probably still sour about that muffed punt in 1985. Our visit was over in 30 minutes and I felt much better about my decision.



Before



After



Thanks to a post by Lap Band Gal, another one of my muses, I found out that Rex Ryan, head coach of the NY Jets, had lap band surgery last year and has slimmed way the hell down! And his fat ass, hippie looking brother, Rob, now an assistant NFL coach, just got it installed a few months ago.  More validation!


Then comes breaking news this morning! The fat ass governor of the state of New Jersey, Chris Christie, who I think is very cool, secretly had lap band surgery a few months ago.  He checked into a hospital back east on President's Day under a fake name and got the food restricter installed! He says he did it because he just turned 50 and wanted to see his kids grow up. I may be the only one who believes that.  Most everybody else is saying he's getting to his fightin' weight to run for president. Either way, it was just more of the validation I need.  If it's good enough for a possible future president, it's good enough for a fat kid from the west side. Word is he's lost 40 pounds so far. I wonder if he was motivated by some fat ass guy's blog from the Midwest?  Hmmmmm. Coincidence?

I'm getting more validation everyday! The Lap Band is being embraced by fat ass shlubs and celebrities everywhere. It's become the PHAT "thing" to do. I even saw a Lap Band commercial on Judge Judy the other day. I guess I have always been a trend setter. But a Fashionista? I don't know.

Talk soon

JT









The Countdown begins

Thursday, May 2, 2013

I officially started back on the pre-op diet yesterday, and not a moment to soon.  An apprehensive visit to the bathroom scale this morning brought the unwelcome news of a gain of five pounds since last Wednesday. This proves my theory that I was born without any metabolism what so ever.  I have what I call Reverse Metabolosis. I believe that I have a rare disease that takes every bite of food I eat and multiples the caloric and fat content five fold. 100 calorie snack pack for you, 500 belt busting calories for me. 90 calorie beer for you, 450 ass widening calories for me. In fact, severe cases like mine have been known to gain weight by just driving past a McDonald's. It's true.  I can feel the seat belt tighten in real time. It gets really bad when I have to drive past one of those fast food rows where all the fatty franchises are located. Sometimes the belt gets so tight I almost pass out.  There needs to be more research on this affliction. But I'm convinced it will take a fat ass scientist to figure it out. A bean thin poindexter type would never understand.

It doesn't seem to matter if I try to eat right, I still end up piling on more layers on fat.  I really tried to listen to the prevailing theories on healthy food choices.  Eat a lot of fruit. I did. Gained weight.  Eat a lot of nuts. I did. Enough to feed a park full of squirrels for a winter. Gained weight. Same goes for whole grains, brown flour, leafy greens, vegetables, fish .... the list goes on. The best I could ever do eating what they call healthy, is remain at the status quo. There's no real answer for a guy with Reverse Metabolosis. That's how I ended up here.

As I reported previously, I was able to chuck some tonnage off with this pre-op diet.  That consists of a powdered shake for breakfast, a few paltry carrot pieces at 10:30, powdered cheese & broccoli soup at noon, a protein bar at 3, a sugar free popsicle at 5:30 then dinner.  Dinner consists of 3.5 ozs. of protein, 1/3 cup starch & 1/2 cup of vegtables. Finally, the treat of the day. A Weight Watchers fudge bar around 8 pm. Sadly, the fudge bar is now the highlight of my day. Gone are the days of steaks off a sizzling grill, baked potatoes, and hearty side dishes. Well, theoretically, I could grill my 3.5 oz. filet.  But it will probably fall through the cracks.

The above menu is really limited.  But it will seem like a feast compared to the post-op restrictions. I received a letter from the surgical center that reiterates the diet I must follow when I get back from the lap band surgery, just 12 days from now. Because of the normal swelling in the stomach caused by the surgical trauma, I'm looking at clear liquids only for a couple of weeks then on to the "smashie" foods. This is the name given by the nutritionists to human food ground up in a blender then spoon fed to the Bandster. It's even suggested to try a jar of baby food.  I'll look for the jar with the fat ass guy's face on it instead of that cute baby from the 1950s.

The clock is ticking down to a new chapter in the Life of Johnny. For sure I'm freaking about the surgery and dreading the post-op recovery diet plan. Geez, who wouldn't?  I could not honestly tell you this is a good idea right now or even if this is the right solution for me.  I don't think I will be able to give you a fair opinion of this whole life changing event for a least a year. So keep reading and we'll find out together.

Johnny

P.S.  Thanks to all who attended for a great Last Supper!  It was a truly wonderful evening with lotsa laughs for sure.  I had intended to blog about it today, but my memory of the evening is quite murky. I believe I was over served!  I should have taken a picture of that steak. Darn....