Getting Proactive ...

Yup.  It's me. Still on the edge of my chair waiting to hear the verdict from my insurance company. 
(Note:  I am pretty much always on the edge of my chair due to my overflowing posterior. No special fat ass chairs here.)

Dr. X's assistant warned me that the the insurance company has 30 full days to make a ruling. That would give them to around April 12 for my approval.  His assistant also told me it usually takes about 2 weeks. That would mean that I could hear this week. THAT would be awesome!

Ya know, I'm really in the dark here as to the how, what and when of this life changing procedure.  I have many questions. For instance, when (if) we get the OK, do we automatically schedule the surgery for 2 weeks later? Or is the doctor booked up?  How long is he booked up?  How long is the usual wait past approval? These are fair questions.  I have pretty much put my life on hold waiting for the surgery. Don't get me wrong. I'm OK with that. Other than certain job and special social related obligations, I can pretty much sit around and wait.  But I don't want to.  I just want to get this scheduled and get on with it.  I had that fictitious goal date of April 22 in my head, but truth be told, that will be hard to hit. For that to happen, I would have to hear by this Friday, March 29. Then I could start the 2 week pre-op diet on April 8th when I get back from the Florida trip. Hey, I'm GOOD with that!  But I don't think the medical wheels turn that fast.  I have a feeling they are not as anxious to get this done as I am. So I have come to another decision.

I have decided to officially end my "Farewell to Food" tour on the Tuesday I get back from FLA!

I called Dr. X's assistant today and informed her that I was officially suspending my tour on Monday, April 8. I also told her I would be starting the required 2 week pre-op diet on Tuesday the 9th.  So should she get the OK and Dr. X has it open, Wednesday, April 24 is my preferred GO DAY. She said she would make a note of it and promised to call my insurance company to see if she can hurry things up a bit.

So there it sports fans.... We are going proactive! I actually got this idea from a fellow "bandster".  He told me something like "ya gotta bring the fight to them!".  I know it's a bit melodramatic, but you get the picture.

I needed to make my final appointment with the nutritionist. I need to get the instructions on the pre-op diet and also buy their recommend protein supplements.  I'm sure it's a bit of a money grab for them, but it's only a couple hundred bucks.  If it works like they say, it will be worth it. Next call, The bubbly Ms. K.  Let's see what she has open.

She actually answered when I called.
"Hey, Ms. K. It's Johnny here."
"Well how are you" she asks in her distinct cheese head twang.
"I'm doing just peachy Ms. K. I have big news for you!"
" You got approved! Yay!" she replies jubilantly.
"Ah no. Bigger news. I have decided to officially end my FTF tour on Monday, April 8!"
"What is a FTF tour?" she inquires.
Because in my own little fantasy world I believe this is national news, I'm flabbergasted that she is not fully versed on this. So I axed her:
"You mean you haven't heard about my Farewell To Food tour? What... do live under a rock or something?"
"Farwell to food, huh? That brings up a question I have for you."
"Shoot." I say.
So she shoots back. "Didn't we talk about you starting to watch your food intake and start cutting back at our first meeting? In fact, didn't you tell me that you were "dialing it down"?
Oh-oh. Busted.
"Yeah, well about that." I sheepishly replied as I started to grasp for something to say. So I come up with this:
"Well, I really mean it this time."

What you guys don't believe me either?

I made an appointment with Ms. K for next Monday. I will be getting the debriefing on my debeefing. I will be buying her special Fat Ass Fusion and leaving with my marching orders.

So here's where we are:
FTF end date set - CHECK
Pressure on Dr. X - CHECK
Final meeting with nutritionist - CHECK
Pre-op diet start date - CHECK
Target Surgery date - CHECK
Final insurance approval - Well, 5 otta 6 ain't bad. If it was Lotto, I would get a few grand.

I will talk to you next week.
jt
PS I want to thank a couple of loyal readers, The Rock and The Godfather, for their very generous gift of a shiny new airline seat belt extender. My name is even engraved on it.  Very funny boys. Remember, payback is a Bee-atch! 

The Waiting is the Hardest Part

ATTN: New Visitors!  Start with the first post.  I wouldn't want you to miss anything!

I guess I'm ripping off another famous rock star with this title. With apologies to Mr. Petty and the Heartbreakers, I find this verse from your 1981 classic song most apropos. The waiting, is indeed, the hardest part. 

Dr. X's office called me today and let me know that the doctor has approved my "package" and sent it on to the Howdowenotpay Insurance company for final approval! YEA!  Dr. X's assistant also let me know that my insurance company has 30 days to approve or deny my request. But, she also told me that it usually takes a couple weeks. So I remain in lap band purgatory.  Somewhere between a massive zipper explosion and a return to my wardrobes of old. (I got some great Jordache jeans and a Members Only jacket put away somewhere ...)

The waiting is killing me. Because, as we all know, I am in the middle of my farewell tour of fabulous foods, scrumptious  snacks, decadent desserts, beautiful beers, luscious liquors and wonderful wines.
Time is running out. So now I rationalize every wonderful meal, every Oreo, every cashew, every bite of fattening fare by proclaiming "This could be the last time I eat this!".  The end needs to come soon. I have recently savoured several of my cherished food staples for the last time... at least 6 times already.

Soon I shall bid adieu to the ambrosia of life.
Farewell French fries ...
So long steak ...
Arrivederci antipasto ....
Hasta la vista Hagen Das ...
Toodle-oo Tostinos ...
Goodbye Golden Arches ...

May a pox fall on Morton's, Gibson's and Capitol Grill!
May the fat gods descend a fiery wrath upon Portillo's and Augustino's!
May the Burger King be dethroned!
And  .... may Gene finally leave Jude!

Alas, parting is such sweet sorrow. Or should I say sweet and sour. 

Perhaps it's time to look forward and think of what might come to pass if this cockamamie idea really works. Should I look into the future and see what my life might look like a year from now?... Dare I ?

Let's look into my crystal ball ....

I'm sleeping on a beach ... and I'm not worrying about the native kids spray painting Bob Marley murals on my stomach again like last year. AWESOME! (That paint is hard to get off.)

The custom pants guys  isn't trying to hide when he sees me coming at the AZ golf tournament.

The horse isn't quitting in the middle of my carriage ride. (Boy, That was embarrassing.)

I'm not getting the "hope he isn't sittin' next to me" look on a flight to Hawaii. (Wow! Hawaii, that's cool.)

I am not be charged for refilling the pool at the Ritz after my patented cannonball dive. (Very pricey!)

My mattress no longer has an indentation forcing me to  roll to the middle.

WOW. The possibilities are endless.

Seriously,  It will take me a while to wrap my head around the whole outcome thing because I really haven't thought that far ahead.  I have been so focused on just getting this done, that I have not had a chance to explore the "what ifs" of success.  Besides many times "what ifs" only lead to disappointment.   I think it's better just to laser in on the immediate obstacles and overcome them first. If I follow the doctor's orders, the chips fall where they will fall.

I will be going on a FINAL FINAL fling to Florida for a few days in the near future.  I have cleared my schedule after that trip for the rest of the summer. I am forgoing a company paid trip to VEGAS BABY, another man trip to a private island in the Bahamas, and assorted other cool getaways because I will be in a total wait and see mode.  I will sit and wait for the surgery date. Once we have that date, we go on the countdown.  14 days of severely limited food intake in preparation for the surgery. Then surgery.  Then recovery. Then smashed up food for 4 weeks.

I am not straying far from my home base until I have a good handle on how to adjust to my new life.  So don't look for me at t your backyard bar-b-cue this summer. It just wouldn't be proper for me to be upchucking on your guests.

Stay Tuned for THE COUNTDOWN! You'll know when I know.

Peace out,

jt

The Final Hoops

ATTN: New Visitors!  Start with the first post at the bottom of the page.  I wouldn't want you to miss anything!

Like the Cajuns say, "ya gotta git done what needs donin."

I have a handful more doctors and counselors to see before Dr. X reviews my application and sends it off to my insurance company.  I want to make sure it's in fast and correct. My personal farewell tour is costing me additional unwanted pounds. Its really not good to have the "It's OK to eat this and drink that" mentality while I'm in this lap band purgatory.  But, I have it none the less. I have been trying everything one more time as if it's the last. I don't want to be found comatose the day before my surgery with a box of Krispy Kremes in one hand and Big Mac in the other. That's not a good way to approach this. I do realize that I cannot keep this up.

Back to the final hoops... The morning after I saw Mind Dr. L, I headed off the see my primary, Good Ol' Doc Z for a complete blood work up and physical. I needed him to sign off that I'm OK for surgery and have no restrictions on exercise activity.

Good Ol' Doc Z got me right in, started asking me the normal questions and then saw the request form from Dr. X regarding the lap band surgery.

"Wow.. you're really gonna do this, huh?" he asked me.
"That's my plan Doc. If my insurance company ponies up the dough and I can last another 90 days without exploding, I'm gonna go for it."
He then added, "Normally I would encourage you to try other methods, but I know you've be struggling with your weight for a while, so I think it will be a good thing for you. I also know a few people that have had this done and it worked well for them."

More good news and reason to move forward.

Doc Z put me through the normal battery of tests and mercifully spared me from the the finger date. So I was out of there with the signed consent letter and my OK for exercise in an hour. My blood tests came back two days later and were all good. 

The following week I had the appointment to meet the exercise guru, Trainer L.  I had to be at the BC (bariatric center) 15 minutes early to fill out some forms and answer some more questions "truthfully."
After my name was called, I followed the previously mentioned marm to an office behind the doors.  Soon enough Trainer L came in and introduced herself.

After answering a myriad of questions regarding my current workout schedule (that took two seconds) we proceeded to discuss what I should be / will be doing exercisewise after the surgery. I listened carefully, all the time wondering when I was going to do all this exercising.  Does she know I have a full time job?.  
"Do you think you can dedicate yourself and meet these goals?" she asked.
"I will do my best."
"Mr.T," she said
Here comes the lecture.
"You will not be successful at this unless you burn more calories than you take in."
"I get it." I said, "but, honestly, you're asking me to go from zero to 60 in about two seconds here. I think I am going to need to work up to it."
"You will do it!" she exclaims in a cheerleader voice.
"OK! But please remember. I'm just trying to fit back in my pants and not trying out for the Olympics."
"Very well. Give your best effort and we'll leave it at that."

She then had me remove my shoes and socks and stand a scale looking machine with what looked like handlebars off my old Harley.

"Place your feet exactly in those spots and hold on to these handles."
I did as I was told wondering all along what the heck this contraption did. A bunch of lights kept blinking and then a tone after about 60 seconds. She the pressed a button and a sheet of paper came out of an attached printer.

"What was that all about?" I asked.
She went into a long explanation of what this thing does and why it's is so important.  I just hear the cash register ringing.  I'm sure that little horsey ride is gonna cost me.

We sat back down and went over my report from the machine. She told me I burn 1580 calories a day without doing anything and that my body was about 50% fat.

"Not bad." I said. "I was expecting to be about 90% fat, 8% vodka and 2% old bones."

"No, that would be impossible." she chimed back.

"So you say.  I think I could get the the vodka percentage up to 20% with very little effort."

I'm done with this conversation. All this talk about working out is making me hungry.

I finished up with Trainer L and left the office with another folder of directions.  That's 3 folders of directions in total now. I have a lot of reading to do.

Over the next 2 weeks I successfully completed my entire checklist.  All my documents are in one stack and waiting to be review and approved by Dr. X.   After he reviews everything and approves it, it's off to the Howdowenotpay Company for final approval. I should hear early next week if the doctor approved it or if there are any missing pieces.

The 6 weeks between the initial consultation and the final hoop jump has sure been a grind.  With any luck, I will get the OK from the insurance company in a couple weeks and set the surgery date for around April 22.  That's my goal.  I don't know if I can take7 more weeks of this.  I know my pants can't.

I'm off to a golf rendezvous in the desert.  Another obligation of mine being the President of the PGA (Professional Guests of America).  You can keep up with me on Facebook while I'm away.  There are always some cool people at this tournament and I will try to get some pictures for you.

More to come later in March!

Hasta la vista!
jt

The Shrink - Journey to the center of my mind

ATTN: New Visitors!  Start with the first post at the bottom of the page.  I wouldn't want you to miss anything!

With apologies to Terrible Ted Nugent and the Amboy Dukes, I used the title from an early 70's classic for this post. Since I have never been to a shrink before, I kind of thought this was apropos. I am actually very interested to see how this goes.

I showed up to the professional office building and found my way to Mind Dr. L's suite. I was 30 minutes early as requested. I was told I had to fill out more forms other than the ones they emailed over.
I opened the door and walked in to find an office with a young receptionist sitting at a desk working on her desktop computer. Not at all what I expected.  I was thinking there would be sofas, stimulating artwork, flowers, plants and that type of crap. Nope, just a normal office with plain white paint and a couple regular people chairs in the waiting area.

"Are you Mr. T?"
"Why yes I am!"
"I have some things for you to fill out. Please have a seat here.  Once you're finished, let me know and I will let Mind Dr. L know you're ready."

How much more BS can they ask me?  I'm a pretty simple dude. Eat -Drink - Be Merry has been my credo for 35 years. That's why I'm in this predicament. Seems simple to me.....

I sat down and she handed me a booklet and a pen. Whaaaaat the ....  it's some kind of test! Of course, I immediately paged through to see how long this thing was. 100 freakin questions! I haven't taken a test like this since high school.  Let's just get through this.

It took me about 30 minutes to complete this test.  All the questions had multiple choice answers.  Many of these questions and the corresponding answers didn't even make sense to me. These questions were designed to elicit deviate answers from the minds of serial killers and Manson family members. Some of them were pretty scary... something like:

If you wanted to chop up a pet, would you prefer:
A- puppy
B-kitty
C-fish
D-hamster
E-other

I was always taught to fill in all ovals ... even if you're not sure of the answer. On a college exam, they only give you credit for the right answers so answer them all!  So I usually go with the "other" when I don't see the answer that fits me.  I'm not really sure that was a good protocol to follow but I did it anyway.

As I worked my way through these abhorrent questions, I just shook my head. It reminded my of history class when I used to think "how will knowing the dates of the French revolution help me start a business in 5 years?".  How will this test help me cure fat-ass-a-titis ?

If you wanted to off yourself, would you use:
A-Knife
B-Gun-
C-Poison
D-other
Hmmmmm.  Knife seems like it would take a lot of work, gun would probably leave me with ringing in my ears, poison might make me break my throw up streak ....... let's go with D again. You get the picture. This can't end well.

After I filled the last oval, I summoned the young lady over and provided her my answer sheet with all the ovals filled in.

"I will let Mind Dr. L know you're ready".
I'm ready alright. Ready to get out of this creepatorium.

A few minutes later, a middle aged women came my way out of a back office and introduced herself.
"Good afternoon Mr. T. I'm Mind Dr. L, please follow me"
I got up as directed followed her into the office and ...Viola!

The first thing I see is a sofa with a coffee table in front of it with the tissue box.  The room was fully carpeted and painted in warm colors with nice artwork. She had a nice easy chair.... Now this is what I was expecting!

"Should I lay down?"  Don't laugh... what would you ask? I watch to much TV.
"Do you think you should lay down?" she responded.
Uh-oh... could this be a Jedi mind trick?
"No.  I just don't know the rules. I never been to shrink before." I said.
Frowning she retorts, "So you've never seen a mental health professional before?"
"No ma'am. but I figured if it was OK for Tony Soprano, it's OK for me!"
"He smashed his doctor's table and got violent, she should have called the police on him."

ouch... Advantage Mind Dr. L!

And just for the record: I sat on the sofa very close to the tissue box in case she tried a Vulcan mind meld on me or some other trickery that would drive me to uncontrollable weeping.

"Mr. T, I reviewed your file and notes. Let's talk about why you want to have this procedure?"
Puzzled by the question, I was wondering if she did not get a good look at the size of my behind as I entered the room.
"Well, in case you haven't noticed, I have a bit of a weight issue here. I'm a few years past 50, my knees are starting to hurt, my shoulders are screaming from sleeping on one side because I snore like a lumberjack, I have a difficult time tying my shoes and my haberdasher, Mr. Omar the Tent Maker, is starting to charge me  for  extra material . Not to mention I haven't seen certain crucial parts of my anatomy since somewhere during the eight grade."

"I see. So you want to lose weight."
       BRILLIANT!
"Yes ma'am.I am looking to change my life and prepare for the fourth quarter in the game of Johnny."
"Well that's nice. Why do you want to take this drastic of a step?  Have you ever tried dieting before?"

I must have woke up with the "stupid" sign on my forehead again this morning.

"Of course, I have dieted before.  I've probably been on some type of diet for 25% of my life. I have tried almost every diet in America at least once.  I have lost and gained  the weight of a small pony. And that's just in the last year and a half. So yeah! Been there done that. I'm looking for a permanent solution. "

She questioned on. "Why do you think you struggle with your weight?".
      REALLY?
I had decided before I came in here today to be completely forthcoming so I told her all the reasons that I really thought caused me to struggle with my weight. I came 100% clean with her.

We babbled on about what food means to me, why I eat why I eat, when I eat, what I should eat, what I shouldn't eat. Then we talked about my support structure at home when I do this and so on and so forth.
There was a digital clock on her side table and I saw it clicking down to one hour. 
"Well did I pass?" I enquired.
"We'll discuss that at our next appointment." she responded.

Next appointment ... I thought this was a one and done deal. Nope, it's another gaff .

"Yes. We have to meet again to go over the results of this meeting.  After that I can release you for the surgery."

"Release me... what does that mean?"

She answered "You must have a letter of recommendation from me that states you are mentally fit for this procedure.Otherwise they will deny you."

OH NO! Bad thoughts went through my head.  I should have not filled in all the ovals! And worse, I should have never made the Tony Soprano crack. I'll probably have an FBI task force waiting for me at home.

I drove home constantly looking in my rear view for any type of black sedans.  Finally, I realized that Mind Dr. L actually got to me. 

Off to see good 'ol Doc Z for a physical in the morning

Hoop Jumping - Group Therapy

ATTN: New Visitors!  Start with the first post at the bottom of the page.  I wouldn't want you to miss anything!

Being only the 3rd week of January, and with an April surgery date in focus, I am intentionally procrastinating on my call and interview with Howdowenotpay, my insurance company. This can wait a couple weeks. I just don't want to deal with the brain damage of trying to rally my customer care agent Rajeeve to my cause right now.  Besides I'm on a little roll here and I don't want any bad news from them. So on to my first hoop. The Lap Band support group.

This meeting is held the last Monday of every month at the hospital.  It is moderated by the aforementioned bubbly Ms. K.  Anyone who has had the lap band surgery or anyone who is considering it, is welcome to attend. I am mandated to attend 2 of these sessions.

I headed over after work and arrived about 30 minutes early.  I found the conference room and, as usual for me, I was the first person to arrive. I sat down in the normal size chairs (damn!), pulled out a golf magazine, and waited. I just wanted to get this over with. I almost wished I was at the dentist instead. 

I kept glancing at my watch and at 6:23 there was still nobody there for the 6:30 start.  Wow, maybe I'll get lucky and nobody will show.  No such luck. Right on schedule, the door flew open and 10 full figured gals and 1Santa Claus looking dude came shuffling, wobbling, wiggling and tottering in.  I felt like I was in a jell-o commercial.  Noticeably, all the ladies except one seemed to be middle age plus. They all took their seats around the long rectangular table.  The bubbly Ms. K then sauntered in and sat at the head.  We are ready to go.

Ms. K opened the meeting by having all of us announce our names and  share if we are pre-Lap Band or currently with the device.  The group was split about evenly.  Most of the current patients, all ladies, had had the device for awhile and have all lost 70+ pounds, with one older lady leading the way at over 115 pounds. Wow.  I'm impressed and my interest is piqued.

After about 20 minutes of remarks concerning what to eat before the surgery and immediately after the surgery and the recovery time, the table was opened to discussion between the attendees. Apparently the ladies with the Lap-band know each other pretty well. The conversation bounced between them for a bit while the rest of us listened.  It kinda felt like book club for the overly bulky.

But, if you listen, you will pick up an important tip here and there.
I learned:

Breads will be pretty much eliminated from my diet forever. It gets doughy and plugs up the hole.  This is a NOT GOOD scenario.

Same with pasta and rice.  Rice is especially dangerous because it expands once you eat it.

Some stringy veggies like asparagus and whole green beans are hard to get down.

Meat needs to be eaten with extra caution.  Some cuts can be handled by some patients and not by others.

Stop eating when you have a "stuck" issue.  Go to liquids only.

Overall, my eating habits will be drastically changing.  It's the price I'll pay for being on a 30 year bender.

After picking up a handful of good pointers, the conversation took a sharp turn.  As women often do, they began to over analyze everything from what sugar substitute is best to the best fast food place for lap bands to water aerobics and on and on. The cacophony was deafening.  Me and the Santa dude became oblivious to the ladies club.  And then it started.  The inevitable conversation of fiber and bowel movements. Undaunted by this area of conversation, the bubbly Ms. K joined right in, even recommending various fibers, supplements and poop pushers.

The Santa dude, a large girthed man in late middle age, glanced at me. I could see the discomfort in his eyes. I just sat there slouching in my chair thinking to myself:   "Is this really what my life has come down to? Sitting around a table with a bunch of grandmas and listening to them talking about their BMs?"  Sheesh. What next? I pray they don't get into any "ladies only" issues.  I think me and Santa would have to head for the bar. For some reason, I suddenly had a hankering for a tall cool Metamucil.

This meeting was 90 minutes long. It was about 45 minutes too long if you ask me. My focusing issues combined with an absolute non interest in the bodily functions of geriatric women, made this get together a real treat.  Best of all , I have one more to go!

Driving home, I silently reflected on what I just bore witness to. I can look at it like my life is over.  Or I can look at it as a new way to live life. As much as the shock of hearing how my food intake will change, I couldn't help but notice that the ladies who had the procedure seemed to be thriving.  They seemed engaged, excited and proud of what they have collectively accomplished.  I sensed no regrets whatsoever.
So I will march on.

I see the shrink in 3 days. This oughtta be good.

Come on back and we'll talk about the visit inside my head.

jt