ATTN: New Visitors! Start with the first post at the bottom of the page. I wouldn't want you to miss anything!
With apologies to Terrible Ted Nugent and the Amboy Dukes, I used the title from an early 70's classic for this post. Since I have never been to a shrink before, I kind of thought this was apropos. I am actually very interested to see how this goes.
I showed up to the professional office building and found my way to Mind Dr. L's suite. I was 30 minutes early as requested. I was told I had to fill out more forms other than the ones they emailed over.
I opened the door and walked in to find an office with a young receptionist sitting at a desk working on her desktop computer. Not at all what I expected. I was thinking there would be sofas, stimulating artwork, flowers, plants and that type of crap. Nope, just a normal office with plain white paint and a couple regular people chairs in the waiting area.
"Are you Mr. T?"
"Why yes I am!"
"I have some things for you to fill out. Please have a seat here. Once you're finished, let me know and I will let Mind Dr. L know you're ready."
How much more BS can they ask me? I'm a pretty simple dude. Eat -Drink - Be Merry has been my credo for 35 years. That's why I'm in this predicament. Seems simple to me.....
I sat down and she handed me a booklet and a pen. Whaaaaat the .... it's some kind of test! Of course, I immediately paged through to see how long this thing was. 100 freakin questions! I haven't taken a test like this since high school. Let's just get through this.
It took me about 30 minutes to complete this test. All the questions had multiple choice answers. Many of these questions and the corresponding answers didn't even make sense to me. These questions were designed to elicit deviate answers from the minds of serial killers and Manson family members. Some of them were pretty scary... something like:
If you wanted to chop up a pet, would you prefer:
A- puppy
B-kitty
C-fish
D-hamster
E-other
I was always taught to fill in all ovals ... even if you're not sure of the answer. On a college exam, they only give you credit for the right answers so answer them all! So I usually go with the "other" when I don't see the answer that fits me. I'm not really sure that was a good protocol to follow but I did it anyway.
As I worked my way through these abhorrent questions, I just shook my head. It reminded my of history class when I used to think "how will knowing the dates of the French revolution help me start a business in 5 years?". How will this test help me cure fat-ass-a-titis ?
If you wanted to off yourself, would you use:
A-Knife
B-Gun-
C-Poison
D-other
Hmmmmm. Knife seems like it would take a lot of work, gun would probably leave me with ringing in my ears, poison might make me break my throw up streak ....... let's go with D again. You get the picture. This can't end well.
After I filled the last oval, I summoned the young lady over and provided her my answer sheet with all the ovals filled in.
"I will let Mind Dr. L know you're ready".
I'm ready alright. Ready to get out of this creepatorium.
A few minutes later, a middle aged women came my way out of a back office and introduced herself.
"Good afternoon Mr. T. I'm Mind Dr. L, please follow me"
I got up as directed followed her into the office and ...Viola!
The first thing I see is a sofa with a coffee table in front of it with the tissue box. The room was fully carpeted and painted in warm colors with nice artwork. She had a nice easy chair.... Now this is what I was expecting!
"Should I lay down?" Don't laugh... what would you ask? I watch to much TV.
"Do you think you should lay down?" she responded.
Uh-oh... could this be a Jedi mind trick?
"No. I just don't know the rules. I never been to shrink before." I said.
Frowning she retorts, "So you've never seen a mental health professional before?"
"No ma'am. but I figured if it was OK for Tony Soprano, it's OK for me!"
"He smashed his doctor's table and got violent, she should have called the police on him."
ouch... Advantage Mind Dr. L!
And just for the record: I sat on the sofa very close to the tissue box in case she tried a Vulcan mind meld on me or some other trickery that would drive me to uncontrollable weeping.
"Mr. T, I reviewed your file and notes. Let's talk about why you want to have this procedure?"
Puzzled by the question, I was wondering if she did not get a good look at the size of my behind as I entered the room.
"Well, in case you haven't noticed, I have a bit of a weight issue here. I'm a few years past 50, my knees are starting to hurt, my shoulders are screaming from sleeping on one side because I snore like a lumberjack, I have a difficult time tying my shoes and my haberdasher, Mr. Omar the Tent Maker, is starting to charge me for extra material . Not to mention I haven't seen certain crucial parts of my anatomy since somewhere during the eight grade."
"I see. So you want to lose weight."
BRILLIANT!
"Yes ma'am.I am looking to change my life and prepare for the fourth quarter in the game of Johnny."
"Well that's nice. Why do you want to take this drastic of a step? Have you ever tried dieting before?"
I must have woke up with the "stupid" sign on my forehead again this morning.
"Of course, I have dieted before. I've probably been on some type of diet for 25% of my life. I have tried almost every diet in America at least once. I have lost and gained the weight of a small pony. And that's just in the last year and a half. So yeah! Been there done that. I'm looking for a permanent solution. "
She questioned on. "Why do you think you struggle with your weight?".
REALLY?
I had decided before I came in here today to be completely forthcoming so I told her all the reasons that I really thought caused me to struggle with my weight. I came 100% clean with her.
We babbled on about what food means to me, why I eat why I eat, when I eat, what I should eat, what I shouldn't eat. Then we talked about my support structure at home when I do this and so on and so forth.
There was a digital clock on her side table and I saw it clicking down to one hour.
"Well did I pass?" I enquired.
"We'll discuss that at our next appointment." she responded.
Next appointment ... I thought this was a one and done deal. Nope, it's another gaff .
"Yes. We have to meet again to go over the results of this meeting. After that I can release you for the surgery."
"Release me... what does that mean?"
She answered "You must have a letter of recommendation from me that states you are mentally fit for this procedure.Otherwise they will deny you."
OH NO! Bad thoughts went through my head. I should have not filled in all the ovals! And worse, I should have never made the Tony Soprano crack. I'll probably have an FBI task force waiting for me at home.
I drove home constantly looking in my rear view for any type of black sedans. Finally, I realized that Mind Dr. L actually got to me.
Off to see good 'ol Doc Z for a physical in the morning
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