ATTN: New Visitors! Start with the first post at the bottom of the page. I wouldn't want you to miss anything!
Being only the 3rd week of January, and with an April surgery date in focus, I am intentionally procrastinating on my call and interview with Howdowenotpay, my insurance company. This can wait a couple weeks. I just don't want to deal with the brain damage of trying to rally my customer care agent Rajeeve to my cause right now. Besides I'm on a little roll here and I don't want any bad news from them. So on to my first hoop. The Lap Band support group.
This meeting is held the last Monday of every month at the hospital. It is moderated by the aforementioned bubbly Ms. K. Anyone who has had the lap band surgery or anyone who is considering it, is welcome to attend. I am mandated to attend 2 of these sessions.
I headed over after work and arrived about 30 minutes early. I found the conference room and, as usual for me, I was the first person to arrive. I sat down in the normal size chairs (damn!), pulled out a golf magazine, and waited. I just wanted to get this over with. I almost wished I was at the dentist instead.
I kept glancing at my watch and at 6:23 there was still nobody there for the 6:30 start. Wow, maybe I'll get lucky and nobody will show. No such luck. Right on schedule, the door flew open and 10 full figured gals and 1Santa Claus looking dude came shuffling, wobbling, wiggling and tottering in. I felt like I was in a jell-o commercial. Noticeably, all the ladies except one seemed to be middle age plus. They all took their seats around the long rectangular table. The bubbly Ms. K then sauntered in and sat at the head. We are ready to go.
Ms. K opened the meeting by having all of us announce our names and share if we are pre-Lap Band or currently with the device. The group was split about evenly. Most of the current patients, all ladies, had had the device for awhile and have all lost 70+ pounds, with one older lady leading the way at over 115 pounds. Wow. I'm impressed and my interest is piqued.
After about 20 minutes of remarks concerning what to eat before the surgery and immediately after the surgery and the recovery time, the table was opened to discussion between the attendees. Apparently the ladies with the Lap-band know each other pretty well. The conversation bounced between them for a bit while the rest of us listened. It kinda felt like book club for the overly bulky.
But, if you listen, you will pick up an important tip here and there.
I learned:
Breads will be pretty much eliminated from my diet forever. It gets doughy and plugs up the hole. This is a NOT GOOD scenario.
Same with pasta and rice. Rice is especially dangerous because it expands once you eat it.
Some stringy veggies like asparagus and whole green beans are hard to get down.
Meat needs to be eaten with extra caution. Some cuts can be handled by some patients and not by others.
Stop eating when you have a "stuck" issue. Go to liquids only.
Overall, my eating habits will be drastically changing. It's the price I'll pay for being on a 30 year bender.
After picking up a handful of good pointers, the conversation took a sharp turn. As women often do, they began to over analyze everything from what sugar substitute is best to the best fast food place for lap bands to water aerobics and on and on. The cacophony was deafening. Me and the Santa dude became oblivious to the ladies club. And then it started. The inevitable conversation of fiber and bowel movements. Undaunted by this area of conversation, the bubbly Ms. K joined right in, even recommending various fibers, supplements and poop pushers.
The Santa dude, a large girthed man in late middle age, glanced at me. I could see the discomfort in his eyes. I just sat there slouching in my chair thinking to myself: "Is this really what my life has come down to? Sitting around a table with a bunch of grandmas and listening to them talking about their BMs?" Sheesh. What next? I pray they don't get into any "ladies only" issues. I think me and Santa would have to head for the bar. For some reason, I suddenly had a hankering for a tall cool Metamucil.
This meeting was 90 minutes long. It was about 45 minutes too long if you ask me. My focusing issues combined with an absolute non interest in the bodily functions of geriatric women, made this get together a real treat. Best of all , I have one more to go!
Driving home, I silently reflected on what I just bore witness to. I can look at it like my life is over. Or I can look at it as a new way to live life. As much as the shock of hearing how my food intake will change, I couldn't help but notice that the ladies who had the procedure seemed to be thriving. They seemed engaged, excited and proud of what they have collectively accomplished. I sensed no regrets whatsoever.
So I will march on.
I see the shrink in 3 days. This oughtta be good.
Come on back and we'll talk about the visit inside my head.
jt
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