The Big 4-0!

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Yep, the Big 4-0! As much as I wish that was my current age, alas it is not.  That ship sailed many moons ago, some where around the Bill Clinton no sex incident. But it is the number of unsightly pounds that I have shredded since I began this journey on April 9th.  My deconstruction has been in full swing for 15 weeks. If we look back to my first appointment in January, I have been fully encompassed with this project for 7 plus months, over half a year. Time does fly.

Let's talk about what 40 pounds really is.

A 15 foot canoe weighs 40 pounds. FYI - My old ass would never fit in a canoe. The kids at camp always made me go in the big boat.

An average 3 year old child and a full size Soft Coated Wheaton Terrier each weigh 40 pounds. In case you're wondering, I did check. A strange kid or a lost dog was not wedged in my butt crack.

An average full size human leg weighs 40 pounds. Really? I think one of my legs is the average weight of a full size human.

5 gallons of water weighs 40 pounds. Did you ever try to replace the big bottle on the water cooler? They're friggin heavy. It takes 2 skinny kids in my office to change it.

2 car tires weigh 40 pounds. Wow. I've been wearing two radials around my mid section.  My goal is to lose a whole set of tires .... and the spare. Yikes.

4 ten pound bowling balls weigh 40 pounds.  Try carrying those up and down the stairs a few times.

Need we go on? It's mind blowing to me that this much excess blubber was attached to my paltry frame. AND I'm not even half way done! I still gotta lose at least a kid and a Chihuahua to hit my goal.

Remember the guy who said " I treat my body like a temple."  That obviously wasn't me.  I've treated my body more like an all night diner. Attached to a liquor store. Years of binge eating, binge drinking and party chasing have come back to haunt me. There's always a price to pay.  Reminds me of that 70s era bumper sticker: "Gas, Grass or ass, nobody rides for free."

The good news is that I should hit the half way mark to my goal some time next week. If I average losing 1-1/2 pounds per week I should hit goal near the end of January. In the mean time, if your missing a kid or a Labrador Retriever, I'll bend over and give you look in my handy lost & found area.

Chow Chow!

Johnny

P.S. I see Dr. X Monday for another fill.  I'm guessing he's going to take me up another 1.5 ccs.  That will be a 30% closure on the band.  Another new adventure.

Simple Math for a Simple Mind

Thursday, July 17, 2013

I need to get ya'll up to date.  I have been a bit behind my updates due to a busy schedule. Last week's busy-ness included another 3 day golf event and a lengthy visit from Al. C. Hall. As always, there is good and bad news to report. On the bright side, I really made good food choices and my personal technology says I walked 21.36 miles and burned 9711 calories during this 3 day period.  However, I did enjoy more than several adult beverages and succumbed to a few bar snacks.  Unfortunately, I think these transgressions shortened my weekly weight loss. But I'm back up on the horse and ready to get going again.

Now I want to share a little tidbit of information I casually picked from a doctor acquaintance of mine.  After a laid back round of Sunday couples golf, our group headed off for a mid day meal. Conversation soon turned to my quest to be less fat. I explained to the good doctor my calorie counting strategy and my progress so far. She then dropped a fun fact on me that really hit home. The affable Dr. S contends that you need to burn 3000 more calories for the week than you take in to lose 1 pound. Simple genius! Not only is this easy is to understand for my neanderthal intelligence level, it's also a number. A number than can be used in a math equation to help me better understand what exactly I'm doing here. Fact is, I have been really concentrating on what's going in the ol' pie hole. I really haven't thought about the going out process. I suppose I have typical fat ass thinking. Eat less. Lose weight. Is it that simple? Kinda. But there's more to it.



FitBit Flex

I have embraced technology to help me find Slim Street. I have 2 items that I now find essential for me to finish the filleting of my fat. First, the MyFitnessPal app (MFP). I use the daily food diary to keep track of every morsel that goes in my massive yapper. If I can't find exactly what I ate in the index, I err on the high side.  My second technological necessity is my FitBit Flex. Don't ask me how, but this little peanut size device records every step I take and figures my daily calorie burn. This miniature device syncs with the FitBit app on my phone which syncs with my FitBit scale which syncs with the MyFitnessPal app. I have all the data crunching tech I need.

But I needed the numbers to make sense to me. And Dr. S's simple equation is helping me do that.

MyFitneesPal app

Let's do the math!  Time to brush up on your a-fat-ma-tic. I have chosen a 1200 calorie a day diet plan. That would be 8400 calories in per week. Dr. S's tip mandates that I burn 12,900 (3000 + 1500 =4500) per week to lose 1-1/2 pounds. Divided by 7, that's 1842 calories per day! Now... Let's recall what Trainer L told me during my pre-op exercise visit. She said my body burns 1650 calories a day with just normal activity. That means I only have to burn an extra 200 calories a day to lose the 1-1/2 pounds.  Simple math for a simple mind.

It's starting to dawn on me that I can burn more than 12,900 calories a week, especially in the summer. Heck, last week I burned 19,800 calories according to my FitBit. The MFP app has another nice feature. When you're done logging your calories for the day, it will calculate burn and show you what you will weigh in 5 weeks if every day was like today. So far, it's been right on target. It's telling me that I will lose another 10 pounds by the end of August. Awesome news.

So take it from me. Do your math and embrace your technology. I'm no Bill Gates when it comes to these fancy gadgets and I surly ain't no math wizard. But I will embrace anything that will help me finish my fight against flab. And guess what?  There's an app for that.

More to come....

Johnny





NSV's

Monday, July 15, 2013

Welcome back! Are you ready for your weekly beefy brief from your pudgy pundit? Ready or not, here comes another rant for the rotund.

Let's start with a recap of the just past 4th of July holiday weekend. I will say it was a definite challenge!  The old Johnny would have gained at least 5 pounds by feasting on ribs, burgers, fatty salads and sugary desserts during this fat-a-topia.  I would have also had my Jimmy Buffet margarita maker working overtime rendering the frozen concoction that helps me hang on. Sunny summer holidays are the perfect excuse for gluttony of both food and drink. The good news is the New and Improved Johnny made it safely through this fat fest and actually lost 1-1/2 pounds. Whew!

Let's get on with the NSV's.  While a weekly weight loss is the ultimate goal, there are also other rotund rewards along the journey that are a by product of the weight loss. We call 'em Non Scale Victories.  Hence the NSV.  This comes from the fat ass secret code book.  (Don't tell anyone I let you in on it.)

I have had a few NSV's since I started my juggily journey. Mostly of the clothes variety. If we flashback to the day I got off the plane from Florida in early April, we will recall I was about 1 biscuit away from invoking my Level 3 emergency clothes protocol. That would have meant wearing only sweat pants and a moo moo. In other words, I was out of any wardrobe that I could wear out in public. Mercifully, I started my own pre-op -  pre-op diet. My doctor wanted me to wait, but I didn't have an option. It worked. I was safely in my Level 2 fat wardrobe in a couple of weeks. I could work with this limited collection, so emergency averted.  NSV number 1.

In a couple more weeks, I found that my normal wardrobe (Level 1) was beginning to fit again.  I was no longer gasping for air while wearing a tie and the threat of a sudden injury caused by a flying button from my pants had receded. I also found my golf shorts and casual shirts were no longer making me look like a stuffed sausage. I could feel the difference.  NSV number 2.

Then around the end of May, people started noticing that my fleshy face was starting to look smaller.  I had a couple flabby friends ask me what me secret was. This made me take a good look at myself in the mirror. Wow!  I could see the difference.  I guess I was in a kind of fat fog and didn't pay attention. My body was changing. The good way this time. Another NSV.

But I now I'm dealing with a couple unexpected consequences. Firstly, my golf swing has gone to hell.  After 30 years of playing this stupid game, it's like I never swung a club before.  My new, smaller body has really messed up my timing. Secondly, after 3 months of dieting and a loss of 38.5 pounds, my spiffy Level 1 wardrobe is starting to look huge on me.  Seriously, I'm dressing up in my best stuff and it looks like I shop at Hobo Junction.  People that don't know me are probably thinking my clothes are donated and I'm homeless. But I'm not complaining! These are GOOD problems.

I knew the time for an intermediate wardrobe was coming. It kinda snuck up on me. I think I have another couple weeks at most with Level 1.  Then it's on to the Marshall's and Steinmarts. I just need some cheap clothes to get me through to my final landing weight.  Then I'll start the real restocking.

So if you see a svelter looking guy in over sized clothing walking around, don't feel bad for him. It's either me or dieting fat ass hobo.

More soon!

Johnny 

  

When Did You Know?

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Happy Independence Day to all my American followers! Ah, another holiday brimming with awesome BBQs, cold beer and delectable desserts. A regular fat ass nightmare. And it's on a Thursday. Which means 4 days of ducking and dodging hot dogs, hamburgers, fries and ice cream. Not to mention Al. C. Hall. He's always the first to be invited to every party. After all, a party without Al is really more of a church meeting. I will have to be extra cautious this week.  We can't have Johnny taking a dive off the food truck. (That's the fat ass version of the wagon.) 

Today's rant answers the "when did you know" question. I have touched on this in the past, but maybe you're ready for a clearer understanding. For years now, I have been asked "when did you first notice you were over weight"? It's on every medical history you fill out for any doctor and always asked by the over-active metabolism crowd.

Here's my best answer. Had I the capacity of cognitive thinking, I would have noticed at age 6 months or so when mom had to move me in to the "chubby baby" size diapers. Unfortunately I was too distracted at the time by the creepy stuffed bear that kept staring at me and that horrendous mobile thing constantly twirling above my head playing the same song over and over again. I was too traumatized to realize I was busting out of my skinny diapers. If only I could have read the "New Chubby Baby Size" blurb on the diaper box. Who knows?  Maybe I would have started on low cal Gerber's.

In blissful denial, I moved into my early childhood. We all know I had to wear man size cub scout pants with three feet cut off the legs.  And yes, we know I was further traumatized when my ass knocked over the stacked milk cartons in grammar school. I talked about those incidents in earlier posts. But there were other signs that my blissful denial refused to let me see.  As I grew older (and wider), I used to try on shirts with the "HUSKY" tag on the sleeve.  I always got mad when they took the that tag off.  I thought it was a cool logo. Like the alligator or the swoosh. I could never fit in the shirts with the little penguin. I should have known then I had an issue.

Another sign I should have picked up on was my inability to comfortably fit in the normal child desk provided to me by my school. Remember the desk with the attached chair with the top that hinged open forward? Every other kid had no problem lifting that lid and getting to their books and supplies.  My expanding ass and belly prevented me from using this desk as designed. I had to carefully slide off the chair, open the lid and then carefully slide back in. In hindsight, I think I should have took the hint.

There were other signs that I ignored along my pudgy path. One of the last glowing signs I remember came when I went to join the pee wee football league. I showed up at the designated time with all the proper paperwork and was ready to start my football career. Unfortunately, there was a weigh in and I failed. I was rejected by the pee wee football team because I was too "husky". WTF? How can a guy be too fat to play football? Bottom line is they were afraid I would smush the little kids when I jumped on the tackle pile.  I ended up playing for a fat ass kid's league three towns over. Another hint missed.

I didn't just wake up one day and discover I had an elephant size ass and a hippo's stomach. I've know since my bottle sucking days that I was well above average in the girth department.  Obviously I should have started getting serious about weight loss then. I may have been able to avoid going to Uncle Vito's Big & Tall for my prom tuxedo.

See ya soon.

P.S  My official Fitbit scale says I have dropped 35 pounds of blubber since April 9th.  50 more to go.