Am I still here?

May 19, 2013

Greetings and salutations be upon you my most loyal followers. It's been almost 5 days to the minute since I awakened from the fog of surgery. I beg your forgiveness on this tardy post, but it seems that enough clarity has finally returned to my cluttered gray matter to make some sense. So without further adieu, let me get you up to speed.

The surgery went off without a hitch.  We checked in at 5:45 AM, did all the required paperwork, got 2 wristbands with my name, doctor's name and other pertinent information printed on each.  I was glad to see the extra precautions taken.  I surely didn't want to go in for a Lap Band and come out with breast implants. It's good to do the annoying paperwork and answer the same questions 10 times to 5 different people.  Yep. Can't be to cautious.

After a brief stint in the waiting area, I was guided into the pre-op room where I was instructed to disrobe, put on the ubiquitous hospital gown and get comfortable on the bed. I was told to not tie the robe in back. I knew this meant that a public viewing of my fat ass and other nether areas was imminent.  I was hoping I wouldn't hear any laughing during my surgical sleep. Could you imagine? Being totally zoned out and hearing some scrub nurse say "Wow.  He certainly has a wide load for a little guy".  Ughh.

Now enters Dr. F, my anestegioslogst  anitestgeolist, my gassing dude. He was a young, very pleasant Asian of the Kung Pao variety. He slowly explained the looming procedure. I, of course, quizzed him on his gassing qualifications and his activities of the last evening. I think he was a bit perplexed by the questions.  He's lucky I didn't have a breath-a-lyzer because I would've used it. You just can't have your gassing dude show up with a Jose Cuervo hangover trying to remember where he parked his car last night. He's the key player here. There's no "oops" allowed. So only after he passed my rudimentary inquisition, was he allowed on the team. I was satisfied and he left the room and promised to return shortly to get the show on the road. Now we just had to wait for Dr. X to make his grand entrance.

Then word came that the good doctor was running late. WTF!  I'm laying here in pre-la la land reevaluating this whole idea and pretty much shittin pickles and this guy cant make it to the church on time? Maybe it's a sign.  I looked at that IV and wondered how much it would hurt if I pulled it out.  I could then put on the expando sweat pants I came in and make way for the back door. But as my mind was plotting my escape, the affable Dr. X entered my little pre-op room. He apologized profusely, saying his tardiness was caused by an auto accident with a fatality.  I instantly forgave him. After all, who would make up the fatality part? I asked him a few questions to make sure he was sober and alert and we were ready to go. Dr. Kung Pao reenters and tells me he's going to put something in my IV to calm me down. Wife L planted a good luck smooch and left the area.  They came and started wheeling me out of the room.  I think I was talking some type of smack when the lights went out. That's all I remember.

I woke up in recovery in what seemed like two minutes only to find that about three hours had passed. After I collected my senses, I got antsy and wanted to go home. After a few cursory exams by the nurses and a required urination witnessed by an Indian dude, I was wheeled to the awaiting vehicle that would take me home for my recuperation. I was sore, but amazingly got my self into the SUV and off we went. So far, so good. Little pain, no nausea. That would change.

I was warned by the nurse that once the anesthesia wore off, I would start to feel the pain in the area of where the Lap Band port was sewed to my abdomen.  Dr. X also warned me of this. And they were right. The next 3 days were filled with unsatisfying sleep, bouts of nausea and little ability to keep my hydration up which was my top post-op priority. I tried to fight the discomfort with the liquid Vicodin supplement Dr. X prescribed.  It was mildly helpful at best.  I don't think that stuff could get a fly high. I'm a heavy dude from the 70's.... I could've  handled something a little stronger.  I could have killed the pain and went on a little trip all at the same time. But no such luck.  I actually abandoned the script and went to Tylenol after two days.  Starting today, Tylenol only for bed as it is still sore when I toss and turn at night.

Yesterday, around mid-morning, my appetite came back a little.  I was feeling 100% better than Friday.  I immediately whipped up a chocolate protein smoothie and tried to get some nourishment in to my body. I had a real hard time even getting water down the last couple days. Any nourishment was pretty much non existent. I slurped up the smoothie and began to feel better. Later, I was able to down a nice, warm protein powder chicken soup. Not exactly "Hmm, Hmm Good!" but nourishment nonetheless. There is a plan here that needs to be followed.  To much weight loss too fast is not good. So once I started getting the protein down, I knew I was on the road to recovery.  Getting this far is definite progress.

Tomorrow it's back to work.  It reminds me of that pithy quote we saw everywhere a few decades ago. "Today is the first day of the rest of your life." I always thought that was pretty stupid. Who knew that near 40 years later it would have a direct relevance to my life. Indeed, tomorrow starts the rest of my NEW life. I promise not to start it with a bag of Fritos.

Let's catch up later this week.

JT

P.S. Thanks to ALL for calling, emailing and texting. I am truly awed by your interest and concern. It makes everything easier. .

NEW: Fancy Weight Tracker!
I'm down 24 lbs. since I started the 1st pre-op diet.  61 to go.

NOTE: As always, pardon the grammar and misspells.  I am self-editing which is not my strong point