The Lap Band decision

Upon my return from my aforementioned jaunts across the hemisphere, I knew I had to take action.  The risk of killing somebody with a flying button off my pants is just too great. Or worse, could you imagine the carnage if said button were to disengage from my trousers during a commercial flight and penetrate the fuselage of a Boeing Dreamliner? I must do this for all humanity!

So the research began. I have an old friend who was pretty ripped when we were younger due to his strenuous job of carrying water softeners up and down stairs all day long, 6 days a week.  He worked his ass off and ended up rich and fat by middle age. The "good life" tends to make fat asses of us all. My friend semi-retired his waistline to a football field measurement and his weight topped the 4 bill mark. Yeesh.  He made the decision to get the lap band and has dropped like 150 pounds. Well that was good enough for me.

I am not a doctor, but I play one on the Internet. Like a lot of us, I immediately consulted my most reliable medical information ally, Google. I looked up lap band and read as much as I could about it. I read and read and read.  And then I procrastinated and procrastinated.

Then, suddenly one dreary winter afternoon...  I was thrown back at my desk as if the earth had gyrated beneath me! OH GOD HELP ME!EARTHQUAKE! Wait a minute.... I'm in the middle of Illinois. We don't get California style earth tremors. What the f*#k? It was at this point I discovered that the wheel of my office chair severed from it's base and shot across the floor leaving a black mark in the drably painted office wall. After my heart stopped racing and I was able to restabilize my ample girth, it hit me.I killed it. The chair - DEAD.  Never to hold a fat nor fine fanny again. This was a close one.  Fortunately, it was just an inanimate object this time.  Next time you just never know. It's GO time baby.

So back to my comfort zone, the Internet. For grins, I looked up a well regarded hospital in my area and hit their website.  After a bit of snooping around, I found the Bariatric tab and clicked away. I was able to get a phone number to call for more information. OK, I got the number.  I'll call later.  Of course, I waited as long as possible to dial that number. Making this call means real commitment. And I am weak when it comes to committing to any kind of anti eating medical stuff. Alas, the burden of my many weight loss failures ( and the belt buckle digging into my flesh ) convinced me to make the call.

I dialed. She answered. "Can I help you?".
I froze.  I didn't want to explain my personal weight failures to some busy-body lady on the other end of the line. This is doctor - patient privilege stuff. So I manned up and leveled with her. 
"I have a friend who is thinking about some weight loss surgery."
"A friend, eh?" she snidely responds.
So I gave it right back. "Yeah... a friend. That's right.  I have friends. And as a matter of fact, one of them is a real fat ass and I'm just trying to help the poor sap out.  You gotta problem with that?".
"No sir. What particular surgery is your fat ass friend interested in?" she queried.
"You know, the weight loss surgery!" I shot back.

It is at this point that I learned that there were several different types of this surgery.  After some brief questioning, we came to talk about the Gastric Lap Band.

"Well the Lap Band procedures are done by Dr. X and Dr. Y.  Your friend should check to see see if either or both of these doctors is in your plan and then we can make an appointment for the initial consultation.  Make sure he knows that the first appointment is close to two hours long and costs around $500 if his insurance doesn't cover it. Also, Dr. X only sees patients on Mondays and Dr. Y only see patients on Wednesdays."

First thing I thought of is that I 'm in the wrong business.

"Well, thank you for your time ma'am. This information will help us get started."
"Us?" she chimed in.
Thinking on my feet again, I responded.
"Yeah. Us. We're in this together."
"That's OK sir, we don't discriminate"
I was in the middle of explaining it's not like that when I heard the dial tone.  I bet to this day she is watching out for two fat guys dressed in pastels to sashay into her office.

Check Back again and we'll talk about the initial consultation.
Chow Chow for now~