Background on Johnny

Oh my... here goes.  If I told you that I was just a normal, middle-aged, fat guy ... you'd believe me, right? Of course, why not? You probably interact with normal middle-aged fat guys everyday. But, what if I told you that in just the last 6 months I have partied my sack off on private jets & mega yachts, hung out at exclusive private clubs, had catered dinners at the most ostentatious mansions, played golf in the same tournament with a 2 time major winner, stayed at a major TV star / Business tycoon's winter retreat and flew in one of the best know men in the world's helicopter. Well ....would you believe me now?

Alas my friends, the preceding , if not braggadocios enough, is true.  All of it. Through the generosity of great friends and associates, I have been able to live La Vida Loca! However, this binging like a rock star has come at a price and brought me to the doorstep of a life changing decision.

Before my latest gallivanting stint, I was a short statured, middle aged guy who needed desperately to go on a diet and lose a lot of weight. After a six month eating and drinking bender, it's just not optional anymore. My lack of inhibition and control has cost me another unwanted weight gain that pushed me, to what my doctor pleasantly refers to, as "morbidly obese". I don't know about you, but that morbid word scares me.  I think it refers to diseases and dying.  Well, Jesus H. Cristo, I'm just not ready for that right now. I need to take drastic action and I need to do it QUICK.

You might be asking, "what the f#*k. Didn't this poor bastard know he was suffering from a severe case of fat-ass-i-titis"? The answer to your most pressing question is .... not really. You see, I have spent my whole life trying to ignore the fact that I was, eh, different. I should have known something was up when my mom had to drive into the city to get me special Cub Scout pants. But I didn't. I thought it was normal to get about three feet of the legs cut off a new pair of pants to make them fit.  Didn't bother me at all. But, in hindsight, I must confess I always did wonder why I couldn't reach the bottom of my pockets.

So I guess you could say that I was blissfully and intentionally ignorant to the fact that I was spiraling out of control. After all these years it just seemed normal for me to wake up and slip into size 44 x 27 pants.  It never dawned on me that regular guys don't have to have their suits custom made for them by some guy who stops by the office. I thought all sweaters were supposed to hang to your feet and that all shirts sleeves were supposed stop at the knees. Naturally. Who wouldn't? This is how I have seen the world since circa 1965. All the while trying to hide behind a false facade. Trying to fit in a glamorous 6 foot 3,190 pound world while living in the body of a troll. This is the hand I was dealt, and I have been playing it ever since.

So what was my "AH HA!" moment? I guess it was accumulation of things starting right before Thanksgiving last year. Our yearly sojourn to St. Maarten was scheduled for 6 days after the traditional eating fest. So, in order to get ready, we went on the proverbial pre-vacation diet.  This was one of the wife's friend's diets that guarantees you lose 10-12 pounds in like 14 days.  Well, I followed it pretty much to the letter and pretty much lost nuthin. AH HA moment #1. I was discouraged, yes.  But I had seven days of eating, drinking and partying ahead of me to get over it.  One the way home from our 2012 St. Maarten FattyFest  I was able to score the exit row seats on our flight to Miami and then back to Chi-town.  AH HA moment #2 came when I noticed that my ass was approaching the point of no return to fitting in the exit row seats.  Oh no!  What the F? I mean I had to take my wallet out to squeeze into these seats. Then .... the final AH HA moment. The Seat Belt. I had to suck in my overflowing girth to fasten up and avoid the ultimate embarrassment of the dreaded "extender" request. My fate was sealed.

Well, this sobering flying experience has been my shock therapy. After much research and deliberation I have decided to use the surgical weight loss option of gastric banding.  Follow along here routinely and I will keep you up to date on my quest to achieve "pleasing plump" status. And for any one thinking about the lap band, I will try to give you a blow by blow of all the hoops you need to go through to get approved. Stay tuned!