The Big 4-0!

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Yep, the Big 4-0! As much as I wish that was my current age, alas it is not.  That ship sailed many moons ago, some where around the Bill Clinton no sex incident. But it is the number of unsightly pounds that I have shredded since I began this journey on April 9th.  My deconstruction has been in full swing for 15 weeks. If we look back to my first appointment in January, I have been fully encompassed with this project for 7 plus months, over half a year. Time does fly.

Let's talk about what 40 pounds really is.

A 15 foot canoe weighs 40 pounds. FYI - My old ass would never fit in a canoe. The kids at camp always made me go in the big boat.

An average 3 year old child and a full size Soft Coated Wheaton Terrier each weigh 40 pounds. In case you're wondering, I did check. A strange kid or a lost dog was not wedged in my butt crack.

An average full size human leg weighs 40 pounds. Really? I think one of my legs is the average weight of a full size human.

5 gallons of water weighs 40 pounds. Did you ever try to replace the big bottle on the water cooler? They're friggin heavy. It takes 2 skinny kids in my office to change it.

2 car tires weigh 40 pounds. Wow. I've been wearing two radials around my mid section.  My goal is to lose a whole set of tires .... and the spare. Yikes.

4 ten pound bowling balls weigh 40 pounds.  Try carrying those up and down the stairs a few times.

Need we go on? It's mind blowing to me that this much excess blubber was attached to my paltry frame. AND I'm not even half way done! I still gotta lose at least a kid and a Chihuahua to hit my goal.

Remember the guy who said " I treat my body like a temple."  That obviously wasn't me.  I've treated my body more like an all night diner. Attached to a liquor store. Years of binge eating, binge drinking and party chasing have come back to haunt me. There's always a price to pay.  Reminds me of that 70s era bumper sticker: "Gas, Grass or ass, nobody rides for free."

The good news is that I should hit the half way mark to my goal some time next week. If I average losing 1-1/2 pounds per week I should hit goal near the end of January. In the mean time, if your missing a kid or a Labrador Retriever, I'll bend over and give you look in my handy lost & found area.

Chow Chow!

Johnny

P.S. I see Dr. X Monday for another fill.  I'm guessing he's going to take me up another 1.5 ccs.  That will be a 30% closure on the band.  Another new adventure.

Simple Math for a Simple Mind

Thursday, July 17, 2013

I need to get ya'll up to date.  I have been a bit behind my updates due to a busy schedule. Last week's busy-ness included another 3 day golf event and a lengthy visit from Al. C. Hall. As always, there is good and bad news to report. On the bright side, I really made good food choices and my personal technology says I walked 21.36 miles and burned 9711 calories during this 3 day period.  However, I did enjoy more than several adult beverages and succumbed to a few bar snacks.  Unfortunately, I think these transgressions shortened my weekly weight loss. But I'm back up on the horse and ready to get going again.

Now I want to share a little tidbit of information I casually picked from a doctor acquaintance of mine.  After a laid back round of Sunday couples golf, our group headed off for a mid day meal. Conversation soon turned to my quest to be less fat. I explained to the good doctor my calorie counting strategy and my progress so far. She then dropped a fun fact on me that really hit home. The affable Dr. S contends that you need to burn 3000 more calories for the week than you take in to lose 1 pound. Simple genius! Not only is this easy is to understand for my neanderthal intelligence level, it's also a number. A number than can be used in a math equation to help me better understand what exactly I'm doing here. Fact is, I have been really concentrating on what's going in the ol' pie hole. I really haven't thought about the going out process. I suppose I have typical fat ass thinking. Eat less. Lose weight. Is it that simple? Kinda. But there's more to it.



FitBit Flex

I have embraced technology to help me find Slim Street. I have 2 items that I now find essential for me to finish the filleting of my fat. First, the MyFitnessPal app (MFP). I use the daily food diary to keep track of every morsel that goes in my massive yapper. If I can't find exactly what I ate in the index, I err on the high side.  My second technological necessity is my FitBit Flex. Don't ask me how, but this little peanut size device records every step I take and figures my daily calorie burn. This miniature device syncs with the FitBit app on my phone which syncs with my FitBit scale which syncs with the MyFitnessPal app. I have all the data crunching tech I need.

But I needed the numbers to make sense to me. And Dr. S's simple equation is helping me do that.

MyFitneesPal app

Let's do the math!  Time to brush up on your a-fat-ma-tic. I have chosen a 1200 calorie a day diet plan. That would be 8400 calories in per week. Dr. S's tip mandates that I burn 12,900 (3000 + 1500 =4500) per week to lose 1-1/2 pounds. Divided by 7, that's 1842 calories per day! Now... Let's recall what Trainer L told me during my pre-op exercise visit. She said my body burns 1650 calories a day with just normal activity. That means I only have to burn an extra 200 calories a day to lose the 1-1/2 pounds.  Simple math for a simple mind.

It's starting to dawn on me that I can burn more than 12,900 calories a week, especially in the summer. Heck, last week I burned 19,800 calories according to my FitBit. The MFP app has another nice feature. When you're done logging your calories for the day, it will calculate burn and show you what you will weigh in 5 weeks if every day was like today. So far, it's been right on target. It's telling me that I will lose another 10 pounds by the end of August. Awesome news.

So take it from me. Do your math and embrace your technology. I'm no Bill Gates when it comes to these fancy gadgets and I surly ain't no math wizard. But I will embrace anything that will help me finish my fight against flab. And guess what?  There's an app for that.

More to come....

Johnny





NSV's

Monday, July 15, 2013

Welcome back! Are you ready for your weekly beefy brief from your pudgy pundit? Ready or not, here comes another rant for the rotund.

Let's start with a recap of the just past 4th of July holiday weekend. I will say it was a definite challenge!  The old Johnny would have gained at least 5 pounds by feasting on ribs, burgers, fatty salads and sugary desserts during this fat-a-topia.  I would have also had my Jimmy Buffet margarita maker working overtime rendering the frozen concoction that helps me hang on. Sunny summer holidays are the perfect excuse for gluttony of both food and drink. The good news is the New and Improved Johnny made it safely through this fat fest and actually lost 1-1/2 pounds. Whew!

Let's get on with the NSV's.  While a weekly weight loss is the ultimate goal, there are also other rotund rewards along the journey that are a by product of the weight loss. We call 'em Non Scale Victories.  Hence the NSV.  This comes from the fat ass secret code book.  (Don't tell anyone I let you in on it.)

I have had a few NSV's since I started my juggily journey. Mostly of the clothes variety. If we flashback to the day I got off the plane from Florida in early April, we will recall I was about 1 biscuit away from invoking my Level 3 emergency clothes protocol. That would have meant wearing only sweat pants and a moo moo. In other words, I was out of any wardrobe that I could wear out in public. Mercifully, I started my own pre-op -  pre-op diet. My doctor wanted me to wait, but I didn't have an option. It worked. I was safely in my Level 2 fat wardrobe in a couple of weeks. I could work with this limited collection, so emergency averted.  NSV number 1.

In a couple more weeks, I found that my normal wardrobe (Level 1) was beginning to fit again.  I was no longer gasping for air while wearing a tie and the threat of a sudden injury caused by a flying button from my pants had receded. I also found my golf shorts and casual shirts were no longer making me look like a stuffed sausage. I could feel the difference.  NSV number 2.

Then around the end of May, people started noticing that my fleshy face was starting to look smaller.  I had a couple flabby friends ask me what me secret was. This made me take a good look at myself in the mirror. Wow!  I could see the difference.  I guess I was in a kind of fat fog and didn't pay attention. My body was changing. The good way this time. Another NSV.

But I now I'm dealing with a couple unexpected consequences. Firstly, my golf swing has gone to hell.  After 30 years of playing this stupid game, it's like I never swung a club before.  My new, smaller body has really messed up my timing. Secondly, after 3 months of dieting and a loss of 38.5 pounds, my spiffy Level 1 wardrobe is starting to look huge on me.  Seriously, I'm dressing up in my best stuff and it looks like I shop at Hobo Junction.  People that don't know me are probably thinking my clothes are donated and I'm homeless. But I'm not complaining! These are GOOD problems.

I knew the time for an intermediate wardrobe was coming. It kinda snuck up on me. I think I have another couple weeks at most with Level 1.  Then it's on to the Marshall's and Steinmarts. I just need some cheap clothes to get me through to my final landing weight.  Then I'll start the real restocking.

So if you see a svelter looking guy in over sized clothing walking around, don't feel bad for him. It's either me or dieting fat ass hobo.

More soon!

Johnny 

  

When Did You Know?

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Happy Independence Day to all my American followers! Ah, another holiday brimming with awesome BBQs, cold beer and delectable desserts. A regular fat ass nightmare. And it's on a Thursday. Which means 4 days of ducking and dodging hot dogs, hamburgers, fries and ice cream. Not to mention Al. C. Hall. He's always the first to be invited to every party. After all, a party without Al is really more of a church meeting. I will have to be extra cautious this week.  We can't have Johnny taking a dive off the food truck. (That's the fat ass version of the wagon.) 

Today's rant answers the "when did you know" question. I have touched on this in the past, but maybe you're ready for a clearer understanding. For years now, I have been asked "when did you first notice you were over weight"? It's on every medical history you fill out for any doctor and always asked by the over-active metabolism crowd.

Here's my best answer. Had I the capacity of cognitive thinking, I would have noticed at age 6 months or so when mom had to move me in to the "chubby baby" size diapers. Unfortunately I was too distracted at the time by the creepy stuffed bear that kept staring at me and that horrendous mobile thing constantly twirling above my head playing the same song over and over again. I was too traumatized to realize I was busting out of my skinny diapers. If only I could have read the "New Chubby Baby Size" blurb on the diaper box. Who knows?  Maybe I would have started on low cal Gerber's.

In blissful denial, I moved into my early childhood. We all know I had to wear man size cub scout pants with three feet cut off the legs.  And yes, we know I was further traumatized when my ass knocked over the stacked milk cartons in grammar school. I talked about those incidents in earlier posts. But there were other signs that my blissful denial refused to let me see.  As I grew older (and wider), I used to try on shirts with the "HUSKY" tag on the sleeve.  I always got mad when they took the that tag off.  I thought it was a cool logo. Like the alligator or the swoosh. I could never fit in the shirts with the little penguin. I should have known then I had an issue.

Another sign I should have picked up on was my inability to comfortably fit in the normal child desk provided to me by my school. Remember the desk with the attached chair with the top that hinged open forward? Every other kid had no problem lifting that lid and getting to their books and supplies.  My expanding ass and belly prevented me from using this desk as designed. I had to carefully slide off the chair, open the lid and then carefully slide back in. In hindsight, I think I should have took the hint.

There were other signs that I ignored along my pudgy path. One of the last glowing signs I remember came when I went to join the pee wee football league. I showed up at the designated time with all the proper paperwork and was ready to start my football career. Unfortunately, there was a weigh in and I failed. I was rejected by the pee wee football team because I was too "husky". WTF? How can a guy be too fat to play football? Bottom line is they were afraid I would smush the little kids when I jumped on the tackle pile.  I ended up playing for a fat ass kid's league three towns over. Another hint missed.

I didn't just wake up one day and discover I had an elephant size ass and a hippo's stomach. I've know since my bottle sucking days that I was well above average in the girth department.  Obviously I should have started getting serious about weight loss then. I may have been able to avoid going to Uncle Vito's Big & Tall for my prom tuxedo.

See ya soon.

P.S  My official Fitbit scale says I have dropped 35 pounds of blubber since April 9th.  50 more to go.

It Ain't Easy

Friday, June 27, 2013

It's been 6 weeks since the insertion of the miracle flab fighter in my mid-section. My loyal readers know that the procedure and recuperation were a piece of cake ... oops, make that a sugar free pudding. The journey so far has been eventful and very successful. But it hasn't been easy.

I find myself a bit taken aback when I hear some high metabolism individual comment on how people that elect do to the Lap-Band are taking the "easy way out". I really started noticing it when the news of the rotund Governor Christie hit the media. Several TV talking heads decided he had the "easy way out" procedure to prepare a run for the White House. I have no idea whether Christie is running or not. Since he is a public figure, the media certainly has a right to comment on his political future.  But I draw the line when they call this surgery the "easy way out." I've actually heard others make similar comments as well and it irks the H-E double hockey sticks out of me. A major weight loss undertaking is anything BUT easy, regardless of which path you choose to achieve your goal. So phooey on anyone who doesn't grasp the commitment of the motivated chubster looking to change his or her life.

I had my first monthly check up with the venerable Dr. X this past Monday. He gave me a routine vitals check and then proceeded to give me my first "fill". I laid down and he expertly poked a syringe of 1.5cc's of saline through my skin and directly into the Lap Band port. It took about 2 seconds and the pain was minimal. No biggie. Before he left the room he told me that after the fill, some patients can't eat in the morning or can't get certain foods through the band. I had no issues at all. Fact is, he put 1.5cc's in my 10cc band.  I have noticed no additional restriction at all. As you all know, I pretty much haven't felt any restriction since the surgery. I got this far on my own.  And no, it wasn't easy.

The Lap Band is just a tool to help you lose weight. Like using a crutch for a broken leg. You don't always need the crutch, but your leg won't heal properly if you don't use it correctly. I just read a story of a Bandster that found a way to cheat his band and gained a large amount of weight. I heard of a lady that had the more invasive stomach surgery, lost a ton of weight, then had the painful skin tightening surgery and then gained almost all her weight back. There are numerous stories like these. Ya can't just get weight loss surgery and sit there and wait for something to happen. If you do, you will fail.

It took me years to get my head in the right place to attempt this.  That meant first getting it out of my over loaded backside long enough to see the light. I have to change the basic way I live my life. After 50+ years of self imposed bodily harm, that ain't easy. There are challenges and decisions to make almost every waking hour. Could I still start the day with a three egg ham 'n cheese omelet, hash browns well down, and a double order of bacon? Yup. Then go to lunch for a Portillo's chopped salad? No problem. Have a half bag of popcorn when I get home? Easy. Then have a full dinner and a touch of Ben & Jerry's? Yes and Yes! Could I still shove down most of a full size Tombstone pizza at the drop of hat? Probably. The Lap Band isn't stopping me. I'm stopping me.

I have made good progress since my adventure began. I will admit that just knowing the band is in me makes me think twice about anything that goes in the oral orifice located just beneath my nose. That's huge for me. The old me could eat or drink just about anything. I was the billy goat of fat asses. I made a decision to try and lose the weight of a small child. I knew it would be difficult. I knew it would be a challenge. I knew it it would take time. I also knew it wouldn't be easy.

More to come

jt

P.S. I got a cool new Fitbit scale that syncs with my Fitbit wristlet which syncs with the Fitbit app on my phone.  Every time I step on that scale my weight is recorded on my app. It also tracks every step I take. It also has options for exercise and a food diary. I'll get to those ... eventually.

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

Monday, June 24, 2013

Whew!  It was truly a whirlwind weekend. Since last Thursday morning, I've crammed in 4-1/2  rounds of golf, 2 parties, 1 dinner in the city and Game 5 of the Stanley Cup playoffs. From a normal guy's perspective I would say this would be in the running for the ultimate weekend competition if there was such a thing.  From a fat ass dieter's eye view, this was a weekend full of challenges and temptations.  The Devil and his sinister sidekick Al C. Hall were lurking around every corner waiting to pull my into a downward spiral. But this morning I find myself sober, satiated and reinvigorated. But it was no cake walk!

The Good - My eating choices for this four day fun binge were spot on! I took my Muscle Milk Light to the club and drank it over ice for breakfast. Yep, I'm slowly drinking this fake chocolate milk while watching 50 other guys load up on pancakes, omelettes, a full assortment of breakfast meats, home fries, pastry and danish and all kinds of toasted breads.  Challenge, yes. But I beat the odds despite the wafting smell of crisp bacon. The lunches were more of the same.  A full spread of cheeseburgers, hot dogs, brats and sausages were laid out in several different places. And let's not forget the chips, cookies and other deserts. And there was a giant trailer with free draft beer. I was in fat ass paradise and couldn't enjoy the show.  I sparingly ate a chicken breast, a cup full of chicken salad and some watermelon slices.  During the golf, I ate a few melted protein bars to keep my stomach from growling. At the parties and dinner downtown, I slowly feasted on small bites of salmon and sashimi, a slice of turkey and a few small shrimp, while my fellow diners were scoffing down famous Chicago steaks perfectly pink on the inside and charred to perfection on the outside.

The Bad - I was expecting a cordial reunion with my old friend Al C. Hall. (That's alcohol for you new readers.) It didn't take long for old Al to show up to the party.  I decided it was time to have a nip during our first round of golf.  Since I was determined to stay away from beer, I had to use a little ingenuity at the half way house. Of course, I would stay away from all juices, sugary drinks and carbonated beverages. But if I started drinking straight vodka at 2 in the afternoon, I was guaranteed to be blotto by the back nine. So I invented a new cocktail. Vodka and Vitamin Water Orange. BRILLIANT! Vodka over ice and add the VW as needed. This helped me nurse the one drink while others were having several more. I was imbibing with my buddies but not falling all the way off the wagon.  I had a couple more at the opening dinner party but stopped early due to my ride home.  All in all, a good plan for a bad vice .

The Ugly - I can honestly report to you that I won the weekend food battle. I looked the Lucifer of Lard straight in the eye and he blinked first. However, his evil counter part, The Vetis of Vodka eventually got the best of me. It started with a four hour rain delay between matches on Friday and ended with tumble down a few steps while excitedly leaving the hockey game. Since I was being chauffeured to the game and back to house afterwards, I didn't pay any attention to to the number of Geese I downed. I ended up killing the whole flock. Saturday dinner consisted of a bread stick, cottage cheese and a few bites of under cooked salmon. But I washed it down with a couple of Gibsons with devilishly delicious cocktail onions. A couple more at the game with soda and I was as pickled as the onions. The final straw was my pal's idea to have one last double before the bar closed for the last period.  That's probably the one that made me miss that last step and hit the floor. 

I had two goals for the weekend. One of which was not to fall completely off the wagon. You may disagree, but I feel I held it in check pretty good. My other goal was to weigh the same today as I did last Thursday morning.  And I do. Victory is mine. So get your scorecards out and give this one to Johnny.

I am now refocused on good eating and no drinking for a few more weeks. I have another holiday weekend and another golf tournament in the next month to deal with. That means more trouble from you know who. Could a surprise visit from Al C. Hall be far behind? If he does rear his ugly head, I hope there are no stairs around.

I'm off to get my first fill today from Dr. X!

Talk soon!

jt

Date with the Devil....

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Welcome back to my ever-growing throng of readers!  It's great to see that so many folks have been loyally following my mission to fizzle my fat. I am more amazed every week when we get visitors from countries all over the world.  I don't know what's more amazing, this Internet thing that I thought would never catch on, or the fact that so many different cultures could possibly embrace one fat ass's life long weight struggle. Whatever the case, I'm glad you're here. Especially, this week. I'm imminently facing my second dance with Devil.  So get your pencils and scorecards ready.

Here's the 4-1-1 on my second dalliance with my old nemesis, The Beelzabub of Blubber himself. I have been faithfully on the old wagon, shying away from most "regular people" food, adult beverages and other forms of MANtertainment since April 9.  So here comes my first big challenge. Starting this evening, my guest hits town for our annual golf tournament. This will be my 20th consecutive year of participation and is always the first thing to go on my calender. Besides 3 days of awesome golf, two wonderful social functions are attached to this event. The next few days will be filled with with everything "real men" long for .... Golf, drinking, smoking, gambling, dirty jokes and funny body noises. Yep....  Even your tight ass husband will let loose and revel in this form of legal debauchery.  He can't help it. It's a pack mentality. Part of our code.

So you can see, the temptations will be coming at me from all angles. And just so we have no misunderstandings, I will be breaking my new rules and let loose a little bit. This has been planned and part of my year long goals. I need to be able to go to a function like this and not gain five pounds in three days.  So immediate goal #1, be the same weight on Monday. That goal will be on the forefront of my mind as I say YES to a martini, NO to a hot dog, YES to Cuba Libre', NO to cheeseburger, YES to pinot noir and NO to a frosty sundae. I WILL have a couple of libations! I WON'T eat like my old self.  That guy ain't here no more.

Yes, I have had one battle with the beast previously. It's duly noted that I lost the day but I did manage to keep the score down.  And let the record show that I LOST weight that week.  I didn't fall off the wagon entirely, I just kinda hung on the side. So that's immediate goal # 2. Don't fall completely off the wagon.  I look at this as being in training for my new life.  It's not in my nature to hide away like a hermit. So if I am to return to the real world some day, I need to be ready. These types of events, outings and get togethers are preparing me for the future ... kinda like fat college.

That's it for now.  You need to check back early next week and find out who wins this battle. If my weight is the same on Monday as it is today I win! If not, it's another loss to the evil Prince of Plump.

See ya!

PS..... I'm down 33 1/2 pounds since April 9th.  I get the first fill on Monday.