Clothes Woes

Welcome back! It's time for more girthy grins from your formerly portly preacher. So let's get right into it and see what's happening in the world of Johnny.

Frankly, I'm dealing with another debacle.

Last week, I finally got around to finally moving my old suits into storage. Did I say finally? I have been slowly paring my old wardrobe from my closet.  It has not been easy. It's not the actual moving of clothes that's hard, it's the sorting of the clothes that's the killer. What to throw away and what to keep. It's a mess of epic proportions. After all, I am dealing with about 5 levels of clothing.

To clear it up for our new readers, a "level" of clothes is / was the particular items I had that fit me in various stages of rotundness. At my worst, I was busting out of my Level 3 wardrobe. That consisted of several pairs of slacks and a couple of over sized shirts. God forbid if I ever had to invoke Level 4 emergency protocols! That was just a moo moo and a pair of furry bunny slippers. The world was not ready for that.

As I have lost weight, I have moved rapidly through Level 2 (comfortable fitting FAT wardrobe), Level 1 (loose fitting fat wardrobe and some trousers and shirts from an old closet, circa 1995), a new transitional Level A wardrobe (some new clothes and a myriad of FAT clothes that were taken in), Level B wardrobe which consists of all new transitional clothes and some old shirts that have been severely altered.

Needless to say the the move downward through the levels requires me to set up shop in my closet and endlessly try on pants and shirts. Discarding the "absolutely don't fits", keeping the" fits OKs" and waffling on the "in-betweeners". Because this chore is not related to work, sports or sex, paying attention for any length of time is quite cumbersome. So after about an hour, I got bored and just keep the items I hadn't gotten to yet. This caused a little bit of a logjam. But I FINALLY got it done.

After last weeks wardrobe purge, my closet looks pretty empty. Now I have discovered I have only a handful of pants that fit, a few jeans and three Jos. A Banks Sunday go-to-meetin' outfits. I'm in trouble here! I may have to invoke reverse Level C emergency protocols, if I don't get some new trousers in a hurry! I have taken the new pants I bought back in November to Giovanni the "crack tailor" to get taken in. I call him the "crack tailor" because it seems like I am there every week with a fistful of cash to get my fix.  I hope these pantalones hold me for another month or so. I really don't want to buy new slacks because I am right on the edge of another downward move in the waist size. Giovanni hopes I continue the tailoring route. I also learned that even if your tailor tells you he can take 9 inches out of your waist, that doesn't mean  the pants are going to look right.  I may have started a new fashion trend ... 3 belt loops in the back about an inch apart from each other. We'll see if it catches on.

Truth be told, I made a few wardrobe mistakes along the way. First, I got way too many slacks, suits and sport coats altered after the first 30 pounds or so. My body was changing so fast that I never even had a chance to wear most of the items. Secondly, I took about 20 shirts in and had those taken in as well. Giovanni can take in the sides, but he can't redo the neck. So I ended up with a bunch of dress shirts with big necks. And the sport coats? He took in the sides, but he couldn't move the shoulders.  So I ended up looking like a character from Miami Vice. Big wide collars and shoulder pads. I had to say good bye.

I am just ranting about this because it's aggravating and time consuming. But we have to put this in the "good problem to have" column. Yup. It sure beats going the other way. I suppose it's rewarding to see the new clothes I bought in the fall hanging off me already. With another 25 pounds to go, I'm certain I'll being doing at least a couple more wardrobe purges. Only this time it won't be fancy custom suits made by my former haberdasher.  You know him? Omar the Tent Maker. If you go see him, tell him Johnny sent you. And also tell him I am no longer in need of his services.

SOOOO LOOONG FOR NOW!

JT

Fat Fanatics!  Email your comments and questions to:

mccgolfer99@gmail.com

I will answer all questions and, who knows, your pithy comments might make the blog!

A Goal in Sight

Trump Cup Flight Winners!

Hey there ...

Quick update on a few things.

I got on my fancy FitBit scale this morning.  I have officially lost the alcohol induced weight gain from my Florida trip plus a little bit more. As a matter of fact, my integrated FitBit app tells me I have 14.7 more pounds to lose to hit my goal of 169.

A couple thoughts on that 169. First, I must tell you that the weight is falling off at glacial speed. Which means very, very slow.  I am still really trying to stick to the plan that has brought me this far, but the results are far more frustrating than when I started this adventure. Sure, I get it. More ass, more weight loss. Less ass, less weight loss. Statistically speaking, a half pound loss of smaller ass is the percentage equal of a full pound loss of fat ass.  So I got that going for me. But I am not doing this to amuse some pudgy mathematician. I really don't give a rat's patooty about a percentage loss.  I'm in the game for poundage!

The excitement of hitting the home stretch to 169 has been tempered down quite a bit since Dr. X gave me the news back in December that he wants me to go for 150. If you remember, he also told me that we have another year and half to go. New goal date is May 15, 2015. Yes, this kind of took the wind out of my sails. I think I mentally took a breather and took my eye off the ball a bit.  Maybe that's why I have been hovering here at the 183ish level for a month or so. I need to get re-motivated.

First off, my travel schedule is definitely counterproductive to to maintaining a strict diet plan. Yes, I do really well choosing my food options. I choose healthy foods and reasonable portions. However, these healthy choices are the choices that people make when they are trying to maintain their weight.  Not the more restricted menu a weight cutter should be making.  It's not that easy when you're dining out for every meal for a week straight.  And then there is Al C Hall. There is no way that  more than several adult beverages a day is good for weight loss.  I know it  and you know it. But while I am on a precious vacation, I have to imbibe. Ya know, just to be polite. This is why I settle for maintaining my weight while I'm jet-setting.

So here I am. I'm under 15 pounds from my original goal. Working through a hectic travel schedule and trying to maintain my weight. That's not the plan. My plan was to be 169 by May 15, 2014, and I am gonna stick with that plan. That means I'm going to have to change a few things.

Honestly, I really need to get more active.  It's super hard to get motivated when you're ball deep in snow. Yeah, I'm using the treadmill a bit. And I hit the weights occasionally. But it's not enough and I know it. I enjoy walking on a beautiful summer day during a rousing round of golf. Working the treadmill and staring at the wall, not so much. Maybe I'll try the Shred that Lap Band Girl is always touting?  She is my muse. She is always reminding me of what it takes to get to your goal and maintain it.  Suffice to say, sitting on my backside is not in the equation.

That's it for now. Same goal - 169.  Same goal date May, 2014. Same plan? I'm going to have to think on this one. More activity is definitely on the schedule. And maybe I'll cut off one of my now thinner legs.

Buh Bye

JT

Fat Fanatics!  Email your comments and questions to:

mccgolfer99@gmail.com

I will answer all questions and, who knows, your pithy comments might make the blog!

A Big Dog and a Sixth Grade Boy

Hello world. I'm back again with another update. I hope this post's title didn't confuse you.  I promise it will make perfect sense by the end of this enthralling read. So you're just gonna have to wait a bit. And of course, read today's entire rant.

First... Next week will be one year since I wrote my first
blog entry. Today's column will be my 54th attempt at keeping you updated on my weight loss journey.  That's about once a week.  I hope it's enough for you. I know it is for me! In the past year, we have had over 18,000 people view the different pages of my moronic musings. It still amazes me that so many people, from all parts of the globe, want to spend a small part of their day keeping up on my fat fight. Obviously, the majority of my readers come from the U.S. But the top five other foreign readers are from, in order, Latvia, France, Russia and Canada. Yup! My second most loyal followers are from Latvia.  The Latvians just can't seem to get enough. Maybe I have the "kevorka" like Kramer on Seinfeld. However, I will not be bathing in garlic to break the spell.

Now the big news of week.  I had my monthly check up with Dr. X and staff at the Center for Fat-ass-i-ness last week.  The news was once again, very good! I lost another 5.5 pounds since late December.  That means I have officially eclipsed the 70 pound loss mark! Yippee! Think about that. Seventy pounds. That's a whole lotta ass and blubber.

I'll bet you didn't know that the following menagerie of items weighs about 70 pounds:
-187 bananas. A full years supply for a large silverback gorilla.
- An average sheet of drywall. That's about 8 foot tall and 5 feet wide. Yup, the size of my old ass.
- $34,019 U.S. dollar bills. Stuff 100 bills in each of your pockets. Now times that by 17 in each. Whew.
- 100 cans of beer. That's 8-1/2 cases of tin and liquid. Think about drinking a twelever in a night out.
- A bag of concrete.
-12-1/2 red bricks.
- 300 apples, 7 large bags of flour and 300 sticks of butter EACH weigh 70 pounds. Sounds like pie ingredients for a small village.
- 5 high performance bicycles.  I got nothing here. I have't ridden a pedal bike since 1975.
- 37,500 plain M&Ms. This is disturbing. These chocolaty delights were a go-to for the former me. I betcha I fired down a couple thousand at least once during a food bender.
- 5  extra large hams. Who here hasn't eaten a whole ham? C'mon don't lie.
- Some reports have the semi-famous Nicole Ritchie checking in at 70 pounds these days.

PLEASE! Get a cheeseburger!

Of course, I'd be remiss if we didn't check back with the family. If you recall, at 50 pounds our average boy was 7 years old and had a medium sized terrier. At 70 pounds, our boy is now 11 and the family canine is now an average Alaskan Husky. My ass is shrinking but the family continues to grow.

It's been almost 11 months since I started this quest.  It has taken a lot of focus and so far the rewards are uplifting. Seventy pounds is a LOT of weight. Hard to believe I have pooped out the equivalent of a 6th grader or a sled dog. Not to mention an aging minor celebrity.

Catch up soon!
JT

Fat Fanatics!  Email your comments and questions to:

mccgolfer99@gmail.com

I will answer all questions and, who knows, your pithy comments might make the blog!

Fighting FAT While Flying

Whew! I just got back from my third road trip in the past few weeks.  I know I haven't been keeping you in the loop. I've been busy! I told you I was going to be gallivanting around the country. So I hope you'll forgive my tardiness. I have certainly felt the wrath of some of our more ardent followers. Believe it or not, there are few fatty fans out there who just can't live without this blathering blog.  One or two are even a bit stalk-ish.

(Note to FeelingFatInFinland: Yes, I got your e-mail. No, I won't send you a photo of my bare ass with all the stretch marks connected in red marker. I can't reach that far. Besides, if you really need to see something like that, a detailed road map of Cincinnati would probably do the trick.)

(Note 2 to BiggunIn Boston: The answers to your questions in order are:  Yes, No, Three at a time, On my head, NEVER!, Boomerang, Oink oink baby and jelly.)

That takes care of this weeks fan mail. I will share more in the future.

OK, now to the news. As previously stated I have been on three roads trips in the last 3 weeks. Staying on my self prescribed 1200 calorie a day plan was difficult. Logging my food choices was not an option.  Eating the right foods all the time was a struggle. Staying away from alcohol was impossible. The bad news is I gained about a pound and a half.  But I think I 'll be able to dump that by Friday after a week of detoxing.

I'm not upset. I'm right where I expected to be. I mean really.  I spent a few nights in the foodie paradise of New Orleans and then 5 nights partying at a golf tourney in Palm Beach. Honestly, I feel pretty much unscathed.  I really did watch my food intake. I ate every meal out. So I tried to eat the right fruits and fishes where possible. I watched my portions.  Other than a small binge on plain M&Ms that were mistakenly sent to my room, I avoided all sweets. Pretty much a home run.

Unfortunately,  Johnny likes his booze. All flavors as a matter of fact. We all know that booze is a secret diet killer.  The more you drink, the thinner you think.  The thinner you think, the more you eat.  It's a vicious circle. Clearly, Mr. Booze (or AL C. Hall as we know him) are the enemies of restraint. And I succumbed repeatedly to their liquor-i-ous offerings. Martinis, Cabernet's and Merlot. Greyhounds, Screwdrivers, Bloody Mari's and a frosty margarita.  As a salute to the Olympics, I even sprinkled a few White Russians in for good measure. A regular cornucopia of adult beverages.

Hell, I get it! It's back on the ol' wagon for me today.  I'm tracking my food, I'm off the sauce and I might even try to get in a workout or two. I'm leaving for the Valley of the Sun in 3 weeks and 4 days. I'm planning on being under 180 when I get on that plane. SO let's do this. Phase 2 of the Deconstruction of Johnny has begun! I have about 28 more pounds to lose by May 2015 according to Dr. X. I might as well start now.

BTW... I saw Dr. X before I left for Florida.  I'll update you on that next time.

Soooo long for now.

Johnny

FAT FANS! Send your questions and comments to:

mccgolfer99@gmail.com

I will answer any questions and read all comments. Who knows, you might even make the blog!

Read This Before Getting a Lap Band (or trying any weight loss program)

We are already in to week three of the year.  How many of you made a resolution to lose weight? Did you promise yourself you were going to lose a few unsightly pounds, or are you thinking about losing the weight of a small Volkswagen? Well, I'm here to tell you that regardless of how much you want to lose, to be successful you've got to get right in the head first. There is a huge chasm between thinking about it and doing it.

The first thing you need to do is ask yourself:
"Self ... am I ready for this? Am I ready to severely change my life?
Am I ready to rethink the way I look at food and drink?
Am I ready to temporarily forego dinner parties, lunches, and various other social functions?
Am I ready to make my weight loss the most important thing in my life?
Am I ready to become more active?
Am I ready to find a plan and stick to it?
Am I ready to have patience?
Am I committed to succeed?

Well, are ya?

If you have answered NO to any of the aforementioned questions, you probably need to rethink your resolution. Whether you're thinking of blowing out 5 pounds of baby fat or 100 pounds of fat ass, the commitment is the same. The only difference is the distance you may travel. Your 5 pounds may take a couple of weeks. Your 100 pounds may take a couple of years. I know this first hand. If you read my previous rant, you'll remember that Dr. X shocked me by telling me that my quest for Thindom is a 2 year journey. All the while, stupid me was banking on being done in one year. So if you're a "biggun" hitting for the fences, face the fact that you're going to be doing this for a while.

Let's talk to possible Lap-Band candidates. Know this. Don't think you're going to go in for your first consultation and schedule a surgery date. That's what I thought. I went in on January 21, 2013 and thought I would schedule my surgery for a few weeks away. Right between some travel plans I had. Oh NAY NAY! I was given a laundry list of things that I needed to accomplish to get scheduled. My doctor told me if I was diligent, I could get it done in 5 months. Yikes! I saw numerous doctors, shrinks, exercise gurus, nutritionists and fat counselors. I went to group therapies and had batteries of test done. I did everything asked of me as quick as possible and it took me 4 months to get the food fighter installed. So potential Lap-Banders ... be ready for that!

Another thing Lap-Band candidates must grasp. This Lap-Band contraption is nothing more than a tool. To be successful, you must find a diet plan your comfortable with and stick to it! Fact is, it will be a while after your surgery that you even feel the device working for you.  In my case, it was at least 5 months of saline injections before I finally felt a small restriction. Even after 8 months, I still am not in the "green zone".  My doctor and nutritionist discuss this every month at my check-in. And every month we're still tweaking it up a bit. It's all part of the process.

Bottom line readers ... If you're trying to lose weight, it's gonna take commitment and time.  I have read many blogs of newbie lap-band patients that are disappointed in their results.  But if you read between the lines it's always the same.  They got the surgery and they are sitting on their collective fat asses waiting for the pounds to melt away. Sorry. That just ain't gonna happen!

Going into month 9, I am bouncing around the 70 pound loss number. I did it by carefully watching my calorie intake of both food and alcohol.  I have gotten more active.  Do I work out? Yes, but I ain't killing myself doing it.  After all, my original goal was just to fit back into my Level 3 pants.  I was never trying to qualify for the Olympics.

I will get back to you when I am firmly under that 70 mark.  Should be real soon!

Johnny

Year End Update and New Year Resolution

A hearty hello to all our fat fanatics worldwide!

As another year comes to an end, I thought this would be an opportune time to do a little self reflecting. After all, it has been an interesting year for me to say the least.

But first, I realize I have been derelict in getting you timely updates on my current status.  Quite frankly, I was reluctant to keep posting because I was afraid of what the holidays and my short vacation were going to do to me.  Well, I have good news to report.  I am down about 2 pounds from the day before Thanksgiving through New Year's Eve! I wanted to be 185 on Thanksgiving.  That didn't quite work out. But I was 186.5 today. WHEW!

I am really pleased with this number. Why? Because I did an above normal amount of dinning out, family parties, traveling and, of course, the social drinking that comes along with it.  I was very conscious of my food intake.  When I dined out, I tried to order the right things, always protein.  Save the sauces.  At Thanksgiving, I loaded up on turkey and ham and passed on potatoes and gravies. On Christmas eve, I feasted on lobster, shrimp an calamari in red sauce. I only had a small mouthful of homemade lasagna to be polite. I also watched my drinking.  You know I had to imbibe, so I drank my bourbon straight and my vodka on the rocks. I had a few excellent Cabernets. I even had two frosty beers. My first since March.  All in all, I made it through the yearly bacchanal virtually unscathed. I consider this VICTORY.  But I can only savor this achievement for a fleeting moment.

Year in review - PHEW! 2013 has been a whirlwind to say the least.

1) My first appointment with Dr. X on a blustery January Monday
2) My first lap band support group meeting
3) My first ever visit to a shrink
4) My conversations with Rajeeve
5) My 14 day pre-op diet
6) My surgery
7) My first unauthorized cocktail

The list goes on.  Suffice to say, last year was a life changer for me. I sit before you today 68 pounds lighter than then the guy that wrote to you in April. That's whole lotta fatass folks.

2014 Resolutions - I have big news for you on this front. I saw Dr. X for my monthly tune up right before Christmas. After he gave me another 1/2 c.c injection, I offhandedly remarked that I wanted to lose about another 20 pounds to get me under my goal of 169.  He immediately whipped a calculator out of his staff coat and started doing some ciphering.  By way of some secret bariatric calculation, he tells my he wants be to be at 150 pounds! I was FLOORED.

ME: "150 pounds?  Are you serious? I mean I haven't weighed 150 pounds since 6th grade!"
Dr. X: " I'm working from a BMI index.  A 28.5 BMI is healthy, but a 25 BMI is golden! That puts you at 150 pounds."
ME: "Is that 150 pounds here on the fat ass scale or 150 pounds in the morning naked on my home scale?"
Dr. X: "I'll take the 150 on your scale."

So I at least got that going for me.

Then he asks me, "When did you have your surgery?"
"May 15" I told him.
"You haven't even been doing this a year! This is a TWO year project.'

You could have knocked me over with a wet noodle.  This whole time I was working on a ONE year time table. I was hoping to get to my goal in April.  But our dear doctor just tagged on another 19 pounds of weight loss! At 2 pounds per month, that's about a year more.  So I guess his math is correct.

"You are doing great. You can do this and I will help you get there." he told me.

Comforting words did little to ease my shock.

But then I started thinking. What's changed? Really nothing.  I have learned a new way of eating.  I am watching my portions and I'm cutting as many empty calories as possible.  So I have to keep counting my calories for another year. So what. I can do it.

Can I really get to 150 pounds? Do I really want to be 150 pounds? I really don't know.  I do know I have a ways to go to get rid of some excess ass and gut fat. I also know I don't want to be the weakling that gets sand kicked in his face at the beach. So when it comes to my new goal.  I guess I'll know it when I feel it.

I'll try and be more prompt with the next update. Until then ... Remember

YOU CAN'T BE TOO RICH OR TOO THIN!

Season of the Devil

BEFORE

AFTER- So FAR!

Greetings fellow fat fanatics! Let's get rolling with another debriefing on my de-beefing.

Since our last update, I have made some progress and I do mean some. I have managed to budge slightly downward on the scale to 187.8. I guess I'll take it. Any weight loss at this point is welcomed!  I was hoping to be at 185 by tomorrow morning.  With any luck, I will be at 186.9. I need to be as low as possible tomorrow morning. Why? Because at noon my seasonal dance with The Devil commences.

Let's introduce The Devil to our new followers and reacquaint him with our loyal followers.

The Devil is my mental nemesis. He resides forever in the deepest corners of my psyche. His only goal is to make me weak. To make me succumb to my inner cravings. To make me lose all inhibitions. To make me give in. In short, to make me forget how far I have come.

While The Devil is ever present and challenges self myself control daily, he really goes all out on special occasions. And there are no better occasions than the holiday season. The "D" is licking his chops right now. He knows I have a myriad of lunches, dinners, family get togethers and seasonal office revelries on my immediate schedule. Add to these distractions, my travel schedule starts to get a bit hectic.  I have have one trip a month planned for the next four months, each with it's own brand of fine dinning and adult libations.

I know when I am thinking soberly, I can make the right choices and not fall off the food wagon. But that's not how The Devil rolls. He knows I'm strong enough to go toe to toe with him with a clear mind. That's why he travels with his wily henchmen, Al C. Hall and Vinny Vino. He knows, that despite my personal fortitude, I will celebrate the season and imbibe in an abundance of adult beverages. Al and Vinny will be there to happily provide me with a plethora of choices to help dull my senses and weaken my resistance. The "D" is always waiting in the shadows, armed with a hot pizza pie, ready to pounce at me at the slightest loss of will power. Or it could be a cookie he wields to take me down. Perhaps some crunchy Fritos. Whenever my guard goes down, The "D" will be ready with the soup du jour.

So let the games begin! It's a fancy country club lunch tomorrow, Thanksgiving Thursday, and then couples dinner Friday.  I get a couple days off then I'm off to Palm Beach for a week with relatives and friends. My new goal is to weigh no more than 189.9 on Tuesday, December 10.  That would be a small victory. Meanwhile, if I show up at your doorstep caroling with a martini in hand, you know a well done cheese and sausage can't be far behind.

See you in a couple of weeks

Johnny