Ass, What Is It Good For?

Hi folks!

Let's start off with the news before today's rant.

I made my way to the Center for Fat-ass-i-ness this past Monday for another visit with my bariatric expert, Dr. X. I also spent some quality time with my nutritionist, the bubbly Ms. K. Bottom line, news all good!

Blood pressure as low as I can remember. Resting heart rate almost at athlete level (Ha!). BMI, 30.1. I am just a couple of BMI ticks away from getting in to the plain overweight category. And the weight loss? Another 4 pounds since my last visit 6 weeks ago. So even if I have been frustrated by the plateauing I'm experiencing,  my fat team is not. They say I am right on track and are thrilled with the continued downward movement. I got another .25ccs pumped into the band and headed home.

So now to something that is currently perplexing me. You all know I have an inquiring mind and some times obsess on trivial things.  Character flaw maybe. But my mental compuslsion to know all things stupid made me start wondering about today's topic ... the human ass. Don't ask me why or how this popped into my head. It just did and now I have to talk about it.

Loyal readers know that I have had a mostly hate relationship with my ass since my prepubescent years. It was always there. Following me. I have ripped through the seats of  more trousers then 20 average men in my lifetime. All because my expanding ass needed more breathing room. I've broken more than my fair share of chairs, benches and chaise lounges because my ass needed extra room to roam. I have suffered painful plane trips, squeezed into unaccommodating seats because my ass was abnormally large. Basically, my ass has been a pain in itself forever. It makes me wonder what the heck the good Lord was thinking when he made the first man and put an ass on him.

If you look at the human body from a layman's view, every part and appendage pretty much has a self explanatory function. Head, protects the brain and houses the eyes, ears and mouth.  Pretty much the control center of the anatomy. Torso built to hold the arms, hands and fingers. All with vital functions.  Legs connect to the knees and feet. Again with obvious functional benefits.  Even the human sex organs are multi-functional. That brings us to the ass.

I can see no value in the ass. Sure, it warehouses an exit port. But that could of been placed in another strategic area during the prototype development. The ass, for the most part, is not beautiful. Before you ass men jump down my throat, think about it.  Aside from the unobtainable supermodel, much of the ass we see is pretty mundane. Let's not even get in to the male ass. Very unattractive.  And sometimes hairy.

The only good thing about the ass is the names that come along with it. Butt, bottom, tush, rear, fanny, rump and the pleasant sounding derriere, are just a few that have made their way into our vernacular.  It's never good to be called an ass or worse, an ass exit port.  You can joke about a butt, but you never want to be the but of a joke. You never want to fall behind because you can end up at the bottom on your posterior.  And you don't want to take a back seat to anybody!

Nope, I can't see real value in the ass. Other than sitting on it, it performs no real function. This is why I decided to end my relationship with my ass. I have shrunk it to a relatively normal size so far.  Enough that it doesn't stick out in a crowd anymore. But that's not enough. I want it gone. Yup. It's bye bye buttocks for me.

Let's talk soon.
jt

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I will answer all questions and, who knows, your pithy comments might make the blog!